Addicted
by CCL13
Summary: Choices are not always right or wrong. Life isn't just black and white but it's messy and it's gray. How can something that feels so good and feels so right be wrong? E/O set after Swing (10X3)
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Hello All! I am happy to be back at it and to finally be posting this story. I have been working on this for quite a while and am excited for you all to read it.

Shout out to LoisAndClarkSuperfan for putting up with me throughout the long journey that got us to this point and for helping me along the way! Check out her work if you haven't already, you won't regret it!

Disclaimer: I do not own Law &amp; Order SVU or any of the characters

Ch.1

He's exhausted. If nothing else is certain, exhaustion is something definite. Elliot Stabler has had one hell of a day...scratch that, week. Having your teenage daughter arrested for breaking and entering would put any parent on edge, let alone a seasoned detective with more than enough to deal with on his plate. Both professionally _and_ personally. The past few days have been nothing but a roller coaster.

His mother, being the woman she was and having the relationship he had with her, or lack thereof, and along with the baggage of his past being brought up in full force simply added to the stress.

Even though knowing his daughter was safe and getting the help she needed was all he had wanted in the first place, he had left a destructive wake in his path getting there. His wife was beyond furious with him, pushing her to the extreme limits of any woman to understand her husband, especially when trying to protect her child, but this was nothing new to him. The decades long marriage had suffered through its fair share of hard times, but they had always made it through, even if it wasn't something that he had always wanted ...and it was most certainly _not_ what he wanted now.

Out of all the relationships he had practically ruined in the span of days, all of the bridges he had burned down, the relationship he had with his partner was the one he wanted... no _needed_, to fix the most.

Elliot had spent the last few hours after the trial had ended in the cribs, his mind going over what she had said: _Maybe God remembered how cute you were as a carrot. _Olivia had talked to his mother, and he was slightly taken off guard when that revelation hadn't pissed him off but had brought him a sense of comfort and a feeling of something else he wouldn't let his mind ponder for too long. Even after leaving her in the dark about his mother, allowing her to believe she was dead and not doing a thing to clear the air, Olivia still had his back...cared enough about Kathleen to go to the one person she knew could help him and his daughter. That was the kind of person, _woman_, she was though and he shouldn't have been surprised. However bad he had fucked up, he needed to make it right and he owed her an explanation.

SVU

Olivia Benson sat on the counter in her kitchen, sipping on a glass of wine, emotionally and physically drained on all levels. Taking a slow sip from her glass, she didn't even know where to start on trying to work through what she was thinking... _feeling_.

That word, _feeling_, was never one she had enjoyed dealing with. It brought on confusion and lack of understanding, among other unwanted things. One Elliot Stabler was at the forefront of her mind, and if she was being honest with herself, he always was. It was astonishing to her that one man could be as infuriating as he was.

Taking another long sip from her glass she rolled her head from side to side, working out the knots in her neck. Working through her feelings she decided that she was more hurt than angry. All she wanted to do was help him, help his daughter and his family because she never wants to see him suffering. She can't remember seeing him as lost as he did this week. It was heart breaking.

She sighed, setting her glass down next to her and running her fingers through her hair, pulling it back into a short pony tail. His mothers words rang through her head, _My son plays it pretty close to the vest._ She shook her head as a ghost of a smirk danced across her lips, _understatement of the year. _The worst part of it all was that she felt like she didn't have his trust, that he felt like he couldn't talk to her when he was the first person she _always_ ran to. It was complicated, in so many ways.

Hopping off the counter, she grabbed her glass and headed toward her bedroom in search of a change of clothes. Setting the glass on her nightstand she stripped from her day and went to her drawer, pulling out a pair of leggings and a loose t-shirt as she heard the pounding on her door.

"Coming," she called out, pulling up the leggings and then the shirt over her head. She knew who it was long before she looked through the peep hole and threw open the door. "Elliot...what are you doing here?"

He shrugged and held up a plastic take out bag as a way of explaining.

"Come in," she sighed, stepping off to the side so that he could make his way through the door. The brush of his arm against hers sending a shiver down her spine.

Elliot went to the kitchen, shrugging his coat off his shoulders and going to her cabinets, pulling down two plates. He opened the cartons of Chinese food and dumped some out on each plate, hyper aware of the woman who was leaning against bar watching his every move. He set the containers up and peered up at her, chancing a glance and hoping to gauge her mood.

"Hungry?" He asked, pulling out a drawer and getting two forks.

She nodded, "Beer?"

"Please," he replied, taking their plates into the living room.

Popping the top off of two beers, she followed him into the living room, setting down his beer and taking her plate from the table as she sat down on the love seat.

They sat in silence for a while, each consumed by their own thoughts. There was never really an awkward silence between them but something in the air wasn't quite settling. The unanswered questions and feelings leaving a charged energy in the room.

She wanted to know why he came to her apartment but she wanted to enjoy the quiet time...with him. Just being near Elliot was enough to calm her but added a new dimension to all she felt, the draw she had to him was as present as ever.

He took a big swig from his beer, looking at her from over the bottle and allowing himself the thoughts that were running through his mind. Olivia was beautiful and she meant more to him than he would have ever expected.

"Liv," he sighed, scrubbing his hands down his face as she turned her attention to him.

"Hmm," she hummed, suddenly feeling self conscious. She sat back into the chair, pulling hers legs underneath of her and resting her head in her hand, waiting for him to continue. She realized that he was struggling with where to begin, trying to find the right words before he spoke again.

"I'm sorry," he finally said, turning his head so he could see her.

"Why didn't you tell me about her? After everything you know about me, about my mom," she asked and he knows he's hurt her by the tone of her voice.

If he really thought about it, there's not a clear answer, he doesn't have a real reason as to why he's never talked about his mother. There's a fleeting thought that passes through his mind, he wanted to be strong for her, let her come to him with her problems and not dump his baggage on her.

"It was a long time ago...I don't let it bother me anymore but I should have told you...you should have known," he admitted quietly, his elbows resting against his thighs.

Olivia nodded, her fingers gliding along the beer bottle, "What was harder?" His brow furrowed so she explained further, "Dealing with your mom or dad."

"Dad," he says almost immediately. "He made the choices he did...they were intentional. My mom is the way she is because that's just how it is, she didn't chose the disease...I know she never wanted to hurt me."

As much as she had wanted the truth, to know what he was thinking and feeling, it was almost too much to bear. She can't even wrap her head around the things he went through as a child. An abusive father and a less than competent mother couldn't have been easy to grow up with. At least she only had her mother to worry about.

"You saw her?"

She knows it's not so much of a question as it is a statement, but she nods anyway.

"Thank you," he said softly, his voice filled with generosity. "I appreciate what you did for Kathleen."

"I just wanted to help."

"You did...you always do."

She's watching him, the way he's looking at her and the way his voice comes out softer than she thinks she's ever heard it before. Something shifted and she felt the urge to touch him hitting her full force. His eyes on her are not unwelcome but she's self conscious, especially with what she sees in his eyes.

"Another beer?" Olivia asked, clearing her throat.

"Uh, yeah...sure," he answered after a moment and he realized he had been staring at her.

She grabbed the empty plates from the table and he followed her into the kitchen, dumping the bottles into the trash. "How is Kathy handling everything?"

Elliot shrugged, "She's doing fine...I think." He realized as soon as he said it that it wasn't a good answer, not the type of answer a husband should give for his wife.

She was quiet for a moment, sensing the shift in his stance and his facial features as his brow furrowed. Holding out the beer for him, he took it, pushing his thoughts to the back of his mind when his fingers graze hers. It's as if just the slightest touch from her can soothe him but it's so much more, longing for that connection to be more than just an innocent touch.

"How are _you_ doing with Kathleen?" Olivia asked, rephrasing the question because she needed to know that he was okay. His welfare always came before anything else.

He shrugged and took a long swig from his bottle. Truth was, every minute that passed by he was getting better. Every minute he got to spend with her improved how shitty he felt, lifted his spirits because she understood him. He didn't need a hundred words when only a few would do, when all he had to do was look at her and she knew what he was thinking.

"I'm fine."

She smirked at that. The line she used for herself so many times being given back to her, "If you say so."

He sighed, rolling the bottle around in his hands, "When you're a parent, you never want to see your kids hurting...watching Kathleen in the hospital was the worst thing that I've ever been through with one of them."

Her heart broke for him. She set her own bottle down and went to him, sitting on the armrest of his chair and resting her hand gently on his shoulder. "Kathleen is going to be okay. She's going to get the help she needs and she'll be good. She has a lot of support to get her through this."

Without thinking, his hand found hers and gave it a squeeze. The gentle contact was enough to make her melt.

"I should go," he said softly, looking up into her eyes.

"Sure...it's late. Have to get home to Kathy," she nodded in understanding, pulling her hand from under his and looking away from his eyes.

If only she knew that he had no interest in going home to his wife. He pushed himself up and grabbed their empty bottles, tossing them into the trash before pulling on his coat.

Olivia hugged herself as she followed him to the door, leaning against it as he passed her and stopped halfway. "Did you forget something?" She asked when he turned back to face her. He didn't speak but reached out to her and pulled her into his chest, holding her tightly.

"El," she whispered against his chest, her arms around his middle and in that moment, she chose not to question it, but to hold onto him.

She fit into his arms like she was made for him. It was the most calming thing he's ever experienced, holding her in the silence and he doesn't think he can let go...he doesn't want to.

"I don't want to go," he murmured into her hair, so quietly she wasn't sure that she had heard him right but he held her closer.

"Then don't," she said softly, pulling away from him, her hands against his chest while his fell to her hips. It was a moment she couldn't let pass, she needed him too much.

Ten years of partnership, ten years of friendship and it has lead to this. Wanting one person you know you can't have but need desperately. The moment holds too much weight, too much emotion and he's not strong enough to walk away. His heart rate increased as he hovered over her and he knew there wasn't any turning back, he wouldn't be able to leave. She was waiting. Waiting for him to say something, waiting for him to move and then he finally did. His lips lingered close to hers, so close that she could feel his breath against her face and she could feel his heart thundering under her hand.

His hand trailed up her side as he stepped closer to her, "I'm going to kiss you."

"Okay," she murmured, pushing up onto her tip toes as his lips moved down to meet hers.

Their lips finally touched. It was just a gentle brush at first, testing the waters but he felt so good against her lips. She breathed him in and he was _intoxicating_, overwhelming all of her senses. One hand found her cheek, guiding her lips against his while the other went around her back, pulling her flush against him. He needed more of her, needed her closer. Her arms wound around his neck as the kiss deepened. His lips fought for dominance and she allowed, granting his tongue access to her mouth and taking the opportunity to explore his.

He pulled away once the need for air became necessary, his lips still touching hers as he tried to calm down his breathing and body. She was panting, her lips moist and her body on fire. Her hands went to his face, cupping his jaw and moving him back so she could look into his eyes. What she saw no doubt mirrored her own. In the hooded crystal clear blue eyes that were before her she saw lust, want, and need...and it was for her.

"Liv..." he murmured, but was silenced when her thumb swiped across his lips.

She had a pang of guilt surge through her as his voice rasped her name. She knew where she wanted this to go but she needed to give him an out, let him know that she understood if he wanted to go. He had _everything_ to lose.

"It's okay," she nodded solemnly, "Go...and we can forget that this ever happened." It was killing her but he wasn't hers to take, he wasn't free to act the way she could, the way she so desperately needed him to. "No one will ever know."

He shook his head. Did she really think that he could leave once he got to taste her lips? Once he knew how incredible it would be to kiss her. It was wrong and it was selfish but he didn't care. In that moment, nothing else mattered to him except her. "I can't...I can't leave...I can't forget."

Olivia's willpower was gone, not that she really ever had any when it came to him anyway. It was as if she couldn't wrap her mind around what he was saying to her. She had allowed herself to imagine and think about being with him but it was always a fantasy deep in the back of her mind, never reality.

"Don't make me," he whispered, pulling her back to him and resting his forehead against hers, his nose nuzzling hers and that's all she needed.

She would never turn him away, she wasn't strong enough to. Her breathing increased and her hands moved up his chest, wrapping around his neck as her lips found his.

He kicked the front door shut behind him, taking her in his arms and letting his lips devour hers. She pushed his jacket off his shoulders, letting it fall to the ground as her mind went completely numb to everything else but the way his lips felt. He pushed her back against the wall, his hands roaming down over her sides, settling on her ass and he groaned.

"Perfection," he moaned against her neck, pulling her hips against his and grinding against her. Her hands gripped his head, her fingers trailing through his hair as his lips worked on her skin. Every nip and suck going straight to her core.

He kissed her jaw, moving back to her lips and sucking her bottom lip into his mouth, biting down gently as his fingers went to the waistband of her leggings. She sucked in her breath and a shiver went through her as his rough fingers skimmed over the smooth skin below her panties. He dropped to his knees in front of her, leaving her breathless and begging for more as he tugged at the top of her pants, pulling them off along with her panties.

"Oh El," she let out under her breath, leaning her head against the wall as his hands trailed up her toned legs, his lips following and leaving hot open mouthed kisses up her calf.

He sucked on the inside of her thigh and moved to her core, nuzzling his nose against her and inhaling her arousal, feeling himself harden instantly. "I need you," he murmured against her, standing up swiftly and undoing his belt, her nimble fingers working on his button.

She pushed his pants and boxers down over his hips, practically coming undone when he sprang free. He was every bit of man she expected and more. He kicked off his pants and his hands went back to her hips, his lips going back her neck. His hands trailed up under her shirt and over her abdomen, gripping the hem and pulling it over her head.

"Damn," he murmured, taking in her ample cleavage. His mouth went to the column of her neck, his teeth grazing her skin as he worked down her chest, his hands cupping the underside of her breasts and his thumbs swiping across her hardened nipples under the lace fabric. He dipped the fabric down, letting her breasts free and taking her into his hands.

"Oh..." she mumbled, her head going back as he took her nipple into his mouth and his fingers worked the other, pulling and tugging. He sucked on her until he was satisfied, switching to the other breast as his hand went to her sex and she moaned.

"You're so wet," he mumbled against her chest, his fingers dipping into her folds and she braced against him, her legs nearly giving out at the contact. His fingers left her, trailing up over her stomach and breasts, finally taking them into his mouth and tasting her, "God, I need you now."

Olivia was lost to him...to his hands, to his mouth, she's numb but every aspect of her body is reacting to him. She pushed his shirt off of his shoulders, her fingers going to his white beater and pulling it over his head. Her eyes roamed his muscular chest and abs, never having been able to see it like she was now. He gripped her waist, hoisting her body up against his and pushing her back against the wall.

"Hold onto me," he growled against her neck, one arm around her waist while the other went to his manhood, guiding himself to her entrance and plunging deep inside of her. "Fuck," he cursed as he filled her completely.

"Ah...shit," she hissed against his shoulder, her arms around his neck and her legs wrapped around his waist.

He gripped her thighs, moving her body up as he pulled out of her before slamming back into her with a grunt. "You're so tight," he moaned against her neck, sucking on her pulse.

Her hands gripped his shoulders as he pounded into her. She couldn't think about anything other than the way he felt and the overwhelming sensations that were flowing through her body. He felt so good inside of her.

"Don't stop," she moaned as his pace quickened, her hands cupping his neck and finding his lips with hers. Her tongue fought against his, invading his mouth and taking all that she could as her orgasm built deep in her belly.

"Never," he growled, kissing her hard again before going back to her neck, his thrusts becoming frenzied and he knew he wouldn't last much longer. "Let go," he murmured, kissing her neck and letting his teeth skim across her sensitive skin.

"Oh...Ah..._Yes_," she moaned, throwing her head back as he took her nipple into his mouth and her orgasm ripped through her body.

One more deep thrust and he buried himself deep inside her as her walls clenched around him. "Fuck," he moaned against her chest, holding her body tight as he emptied himself into her. Elliot held her against the wall, his movements stilled and his face nuzzled against her neck.

Their slick skin against each other as they both calmed down. Olivia's fingers ran through his cropped hair at the back of his neck, her legs still wrapped tightly around him and her lips kissing his temple. His lips were against her neck and she could feel his ragged breath on her skin.

"El," she murmured, taking his face in her hands and pulling him back so she could look at him. His eyes were closed, his skin flushed and her heart sank. She truly loved him with everything she had and everything that had just happened only proved it. She was beyond scared.

His eyes blinked open and he studied her beautiful face. Her hair was tousled around her shoulders, her lips pouty and her skin dewy. He had never seen her like this and he couldn't get enough. He rested his forehead against hers, his nose nuzzling hers, "Liv."

Kissing her softly he held her to him, leaving the wall and walking to the back of the apartment, pushing her bedroom door open and laying her on the bed. He pulled out from her and she winced slightly from the loss of contact. "I'm fine," she said softly when she saw the concerned look on his face. Her hands ran up his chest and around his neck, pulling his lips back down to hers in a gentle kiss. He pulled the sheet up around them and once the kiss broke, laid down against her, his head on her breast.

This was uncharted waters for them and neither one of them knew what to do. She was confused and scared and there was so many emotions running through her body that she couldn't even think straight. He knew what he had done was wrong. Wrong to his wife and family, and what he did to Olivia was the worst but he couldn't even bring himself to feel bad. Finally giving into temptation when he did was wrong but it couldn't have felt more right. Laying in her arms felt right to him.

"Don't you have to go now?" She asked him softly, stroking her fingers through the hair around his temple and hoping he said no. She wanted him to stay even though that made her a horrible person, she needed him more than allowing the guilt to surface. She would deal with that tomorrow.

He let out a breath, knowing what his answer should be and what it actually was. "No...Do you want me to go?"

"No," she replied softly, following her heart instead of her head. She cupped his face in her hands, bringing him up her body and kissing his lips. "I want you to stay."

"Then I'll stay," he nodded, kissing her again before laying next to her. He didn't know what the next day held for him, or the drastic turn he had just taken with his life but he would face that later.

She held his arms tight around her, blocking out the rest of the world except for them. Tomorrow was a new day and reality would crash around her then, but tonight she wasn't going to think about it. Tonight she would be selfish.

SVU

Olivia stirred when she heard her front door close and she knew he was no longer beside her. She turned over to face the reality that she was alone in bed. On the night stand there was a little piece of paper, folded and standing up. Pulling the sheet around her naked form she reached for the note, reading the words written just for her:

_Had to go. Sorry I couldn't stay longer. -El_

She sighed, dropping the note on the bed next to her. Clutching the pillow to her chest she found that it still smelled of him and her memory traveled to just a few hours before..._What the hell did we do? _

A/N: Let me know what you think and if you would like to read more...


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: I'm glad some people are enjoying this and I am happy to continue. I'm hoping to get a new chapter up once a week. Thank you for the support and let me know what you think!

Elliot pulled into the driveway of his house in the middle of the night. All of the lights were off and he hoped everyone was long asleep. He scrubbed his hands down his face, leaning his head back against the head rest in his jeep. He was home, the place he should want to be but he didn't. He wanted to be with Olivia.

He slammed his hands against the steering wheel, forcing out a breath. He was lost. He had slept with another woman, went against everything he had believed in and the worst part of all, he didn't regret it. Being with her was like nothing he ever thought it would be. He had no idea how to navigate the road he was going down but he had just changed his life forever.

Unbuttoning his dress shirt and pulling it from his arms he threw on his old sweat shirt, throwing his used shirt in the back of the car. Wearing a shirt with another woman's smell all over it wasn't doing much for his conscience. He slid out of the car and made his way up the front steps, unlocking the front door and closing it gently behind him. Going up the stairs he checked in on his kids before walking into his bedroom. He grabbed a pair of sweats and went to the bathroom to change for bed.

He splashed some cold water on his face and stared at his reflection in the mirror, shaking his head. He threw his dress pants in the hamper and went back to his room, stopping at Eli's crib. He brushed his fingers through his sons blonde locks, softly stroking his chubby little cheeks, "Daddy loves you, Eli."

"What time is it?" Kathy asked from the bed, sleep evident in her voice but still startling him.

"It's three," Elliot replied, walking to his side of the bed and sitting down.

"You're really late," she mumbled, laying back down and he shrugged, laying down on his back and staring up at the blank ceiling. "Where were you?"

He looked over at his wife and she was looking back at him. "We caught a case," he lied, scrubbing his hands down his face. _And so it begins_.

SVU

The piercing sound of the alarm startled her awake. Olivia sighed, rolling over and grabbing her phone from the bed side table, silencing the dreadful noise. She laid back down, burying her head in the pillows and seriously contemplating whether or not she had the strength to go to work.

_Where do I even start? _

Guilt surged through her body, making her physically ill as she sprang out of bed and ran to the bathroom, making it just in time to empty the contents of her stomach into the toilet. She coughed, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand and she sat back, pulling the sheet around her as she heaved once more into the toilet bowl.

"Ugh," she groaned, pushing her hair out of her face and standing up on shaky legs, leaning over the sink with her head hung low. She turned the water on and brushed her teeth, avoiding the mirror because she just couldn't handle what she would see staring back at her. Dragging herself back to her bed she sat down on the edge, running her fingers through her hair and taking a deep breath.

There was no guide, rule book or manual on what to do. She had crossed the line with her married partner and there wasn't any coming back from that. In her mind it was a mistake, and she wished like hell she could take it back, but her heart said something different. She had no one to blame but herself.

Mustering up what little energy and will she had left, Olivia got ready for work, resolved to the fact that she would have to face Elliot and the consequences of their actions, whatever they might be.

SVU

Elliot had gotten to work extremely early on account that he couldn't bare laying next to his wife any longer. The urge to spill his guts to her was too strong and he just couldn't handle that yet. He couldn't even comprehend what he had done let alone how he needed to go about fixing it.

_There is no fixing it_, Elliot thought to himself as he sat at his desk, working on a stack of paperwork and his third cup of coffee for the morning.

Truth was, he didn't _want_ to fix it. Being with Olivia was one of the best nights that ever happened to him and he didn't want to take it back. However, he regretted what he was doing to his wife, his kids, and Olivia, but he couldn't force himself to feel that it was a mistake, because it wasn't. He was a grown man and he knew what he was doing, knew that one night with his partner would have severe consequences. It was wrong on so many levels and it had the potential to ruin people's lives, but it was single handedly one of the top moments in his life that felt completely right.

She knew him, better than anyone else on this planet including his wife. Olivia knew all of him, inside and out, all the deep dark crevices of his soul and yet she still saw the light in him. To be honest, it startled him how easy it was for him to give himself to her the way he did...how natural it felt to be intimate with her. That just showed how deep their relationship with one another was to begin with.

Elliot sat back in his chair, scrubbing his hands down his face. He needed to talk to Olivia, see where her head was at because he was confused as all hell. Looking up from his papers he saw her walking down the hall towards him and his heart stopped.

With coffee in one hand and her phone in the other she made her way into the bull pen, looking towards her desk and her eyes met his. Her breath caught in her throat as she looked over his face. His crystal blue eyes, his jaw, his lips... _Oh his lips..._And all she could think about was the night before.

_She's so beautiful, _he thought to himself as his eyes roamed over Olivia. She had simple black dress pants on and a grey shirt with her hair tucked behind her ear away from her face and he still couldn't take his eyes off of her.

"Uh...morning..." Elliot stuttered, shaking his head and trying to focus his thoughts on something other than his partner.

"Morning," she replied softly, her eyes leaving his as she went around to her desk, putting her purse into the drawer, her jacket on the back of the chair and taking her seat. Her eyes flicked up to his as she brushed her bangs from her eyes and he was staring at her. She felt bare...like he was looking deep inside of her and she was completely naked and exposed. It was already difficult enough to be across from him with his eyes on her like that, pulling at her soul. "Stop looking at me like that."

He blinked away, casting his eyes down and grabbing a new file to start on, "Sorry."

Olivia just sighed, grabbing her own file and trying to focus her mind on work. Navigating this new found territory was proving to be difficult on all levels. Her finger tips were itching to touch him but her mind fought her, running through the list of why sleeping with Elliot was terribly wrong and could **not** happen again.

_He's married...He's married...He's married, _was slowly becoming her new mantra that played through her head, quickly settling her draw to him while simultaneously making her feel like a terrible person. _Damn this is hard._

He wanted to talk to her, get her where they could be alone and just figure it all out, decide where they went from here. "Liv..." He started but was interrupted as Detectives Odafin Tutuolla and John Munch entered the squad room.

"What's good," Fin asked, taking off his leather jacket and sitting down at his desk.

"Paperwork," Elliot grumbled in response, tearing his eyes off of Olivia to acknowledge Fin. "No case yet."

"Ah, well it's only a matter of time," Munch added with all the knowledge of a veteran detective.

Olivia heard Elliot call her name but chose to ignore it, burying her head in paperwork and at least tried to shut out the rest of the world.

SVU

The 1-6 was unusually quiet and a several hours into the uncomfortable silence Olivia couldn't take it any longer.

"I'm gonna get some fresh air," she mumbled, grabbing her coat and making a b-line towards the stairs, heading to the rooftop.

"What's eatn' her?" Fin asked with a raised brow, looking toward Olivia's retreating form.

Elliot shrugged, hoping like hell that he could keep his expression schooled enough while his thoughts were running wild.

"She's your partner...go figure it out," Munch told him with a bob of his head in the direction that Olivia headed.

_If you only knew. _Elliot pushed himself up from the chair, taking the steps up to the roof two at a time. His heart was pounding against his rib cage and his mind was racing. Trying to get his thoughts together so that he had some hope of maybe having a conversation with her, he took a deep breath and pushed the door open.

Olivia sighed as she heard the door shut and his footsteps coming closer. She went to the roof to clear her head, try to get a grip on what she was feeling, and that was going to be impossible with him there.

"Please...leave me alone," she said softly, her arms resting against the brick ledge as she leant against it, looking out at the parts of the city she could see.

"I can't," he said, coming to stand next to her and leaning against the wall. "I can't leave you alone," he said, realizing that it was the most honest thing he could say. He couldn't leave her alone, not before and certainly not now.

She gripped the edge of the wall harder, his words hitting her heart, "You have to."

He shook his head, "I don't know how...tell me how to and I'll try...tell me how to pretend like last night didn't happen."

"I don't know...I don't know what to do," she whispered, the conversation more painful than she could have ever imagined. It was never supposed to be like this.

He rested his hands on top of the ledge, his head hanging down, "I don't _want_ to forget about last night."

Olivia looked over at him, his expression was pained and she knew that this wasn't easy for him either. They had done this together and they needed to figure out what the next step was, _together_. "Do you have any idea of what we did? How horrible of a thing it is?"

"Of course I do! I had to go back home and sleep next to my _wife_...pretend that's where I wanted to be and lie to her about where I was," he yelled, his expression filling with anger and she was stunned silent. "I've never been that person, Olivia...maybe I'm not always happy with my marriage but I never thought I'd become a cheater." He sighed, scrubbing his hands down his face, "Last night was...I've never felt anything like that before..."

"Me either," she said quietly and he stopped his rant, his expression softening. "I'm really struggling with how I feel about it...it was incredible and the connection I felt with you," she took a deep breath, trying to keep her tears at bay, "It was like nothing else...but I feel terrible about it...you're married and we're partners and it shouldn't have happened."

"But it _did_," Elliot said softly, his hand moving across the brick towards hers. He needed to touch her, at least have that reassurance of her skin against his. His fingers brushed hers and he was grateful when she didn't pull away.

Olivia's fingers laced with his and she knew she was fighting a losing battle. She wouldn't be able to resist him. "What do we do?"

"I'm not a strong enough man to leave you alone," he said softly, his thumb rubbing across her knuckles. "I know this is fucked up but I need you...you feel right to me."

Her vision was blurred as her tears threatened their escape. He was being honest with her and she felt the same way as he did, no matter how wrong it was, it had felt right. "I know what kind of woman and awful person this makes me...but I need you too much to walk away," she admitted and watched as his body relaxed, his hand squeezing hers.

"Please...please don't cry," he murmured, pulling her closer to him and brushing her tears away with the backs of his knuckles. "I'm sorry that it has to be like this," he said softly, his hand cupping her cheek and tilting her face up to his.

His forehead rested against hers and she breathed him in, his after shave and that smell that was just him completely invading her senses. The rough pad of his thumb caressed her cheek as she spoke quietly, "People _will_ get hurt."

"I know," he said with a sigh, his lips brushed her temple and his arm wrapped around her waist. He knew that people would get hurt and he just hoped like hell that it wouldn't be her. He tilted her head back so he could look over her face, moving closer and brushing his nose against hers before kissing her lips softly.

Her lips melded to his, giving his tongue entrance when he nudged her chin. It was still so new and still so hard for her mind to comprehend, so she didn't try. She was letting her heart guide her through this. She moved her hands to his chest, the kiss deepening with each passing second until she needed air and had to pull back, panting.

"Liv," he murmured, his hands going to her hips and pulling her flush against him.

She let her hands travel up his thick muscular neck to cup his jaw, her fingers delicately skimming over the light stubble she found there. "No more talking," she said softly and he cupped her cheek, drawing her lips back to his.

Elliot backed her against the brick wall, biting her bottom lip and sucking it into his mouth. His hands went to her backside, pulling her against him and his lips moved over her jaw. He kissed behind her ear, gently biting down on her ear lobe while his fingers went to the button on her slacks.

"No...not here," Olivia murmured, taking his hands in hers and wrapping them around her waist, kissing his lips softly.

He nodded, kissing her again and holding her tightly in his arms, "I'm sorry." She shook her head, cupping his neck and bringing his lips back to hers.

"We better get back down there," she said softly, kissing him one last time before pulling out of his arms. He nodded, taking her hand and lacing his fingers with hers.

They made their way to the door and he pulled her back gently, "Are we okay?"

"That's a loaded question," she replied quietly with a shrug.

"You know what I mean," he said, pulling her back to him.

She sighed and squeezed his hand, "I do...this is all kinds of wrong...but I think we're okay...I don't have a crystal ball that can show me the future...I'm just going to take it one day at a time...I need you."

"I need you too," he nodded, kissing her temple and squeezing her hand before holding the door for her.

They walked back down to the squad room, neither having a clue what was going to happen but knowing for certain that they were in it together.

SVU

The next day had brought the squad a case with a woman dumped in the river with the twist of having her hands cut off at the joint. All of the current clues and evidence had led them to Orlando McTeer, a cab driver who was convicted of aggravated rape and had been paroled a year ago.

Elliot and Olivia were leaning against the table, the plasma lit up behind them with McTeer's information.

"We know where he hangs out. We know that he prefers blondes carrying packages," Elliot shrugged, his hands clasped in front of him. "I say we catch him in the act, turn the case from circumstantial into solid."

Olivia watched him, picking up once he finished, "Let's go dangle some bait." She pushed herself away from the table and he followed.

Munch rolled his eyes, "Here we go again."

Fin snorted, going back to his desk, "Something's up with them."

"Isn't it always?" Munch retorted with a raised brow, grabbing a case file off of his desk and reading through it. The Stabler/Benson story was nothing new to this detective, and while he agreed with his partner, he preferred to sit back and observe.

Elliot closed the door to the locker room, "Are you okay doing this?"

"Of course," Olivia answered him instantly, grabbing a bag from her locker before turning to him. "Why wouldn't I be?"

He shrugged, sitting on the bench with one leg on each side, "I've never liked you being under cover."

Olivia snickered, slamming the door to her locker shut, "Why because I'm a woman? That's rich..."

His brows furrowed as he looked up to her and she was pissed. "What? No, not because you're a woman."

"Why then?" She shot back, her hands on her hips. "Because we're fucking now and you think you just have some right to..."

"Olivia..." he yelled, standing quickly and pinning her against the lockers with his body. She was panting as his weight rested against hers, the sexual tension and energy coursed through her blood. "You know it's not because we're _fucking_," he ground out through clenched teeth, his eyes rolling, "It's more than that...it's always been more than that."

"Elliot...not now," Olivia murmured but there was no power behind it. She had taken a low blow at him and it was coming back on her. It's always been more.

His hand cupped her cheek, his thumb swiping over her bottom lip and kissing her softly, "Just be careful okay?"

She nodded her head as her fingers gripped his shirt, the feel of his lips on hers brought on a mixture of feelings.

"It's confusing for me too...but I can't stop myself," Elliot confessed, reading her mind and proving just how well he knew her. He tipped her chin up so he could see her face, "Just be careful."

"I'm always careful," she told him seriously and he sighed, his hand falling down to his side. "Knowing you have my back is what makes it easier. Nothing is going to happen to me with Stabler on the watch."

He smirked and grabbed her waist, pulling her close and nuzzling against her neck, "Damn straight."

"El...I have to go get ready," she said, pushing against his chest once he started leaving hot open mouthed kisses down her neck.

"One more minute," he mumbled against her skin.

Olivia shook her head, pulling out of his embrace, "No more minutes right now."

"Later?" He asked with a pout, his hands falling to her hips.

She rolled her eyes at the pout that was on his lips and the puppy dog eyes she was getting, "We'll see."

He shook his head, pulling her back to him, "Not good enough."

"Elliot," she sighed, resting her head against his chest. It was so hard for her to fall into this new relationship and all that it entailed. She was the other woman, the _mistress_, and it was not a title she thought she would ever use to describe herself, but that's the only one that came to her mind.

"I'm sorry," Elliot said softly. He felt guilty for so many reasons but feeling like he was pressuring her was the current reason. It wasn't fair to her for him to pressure her or just assume she was going to be able to jump into this. He knew her better than that, knew she had her reservations even though she had said she was in this with him.

She took a deep breath and looked up at him, "It's alright..."

He shook his head, "No...it's not."

Olivia took his face in her hands, "I'm not going anywhere...I just need some time to adjust, okay?" He nodded and she kissed his lips lightly, "I have to go get ready."

_Damn she's sexy, _Elliot thought as Olivia walked towards him. After they had left the locker room he had went outside and waited by the car for her, deciding to give her some space and get some fresh air. The bright pink dress clung to every curve and her gold strappy heels made her legs look a mile long, and none of that was helping him keep his composure.

"Surprisingly, the blonde isn't half bad," he said with a smirk and a raised brow as he leant against the drivers side of the sedan, his elbows resting against the roof.

She raised a brow and stood across from him, "You've always been one for blondes."

"But I've got a thing for a beautiful brunette with gorgeous eyes," he replied with a casual shrug, giving her another once over before sliding into the car.

Olivia took a deep breath and brushed the long blonde hair of her wig over her shoulder. Even in the situation she found herself in, Elliot made her feel incredible and she loved him. _I love him, _she repeated as she slid into the car next to him. Their affair was already complicated enough and now was not the time or the place to confess her love, especially when she didn't know if he felt the same for her. She would keep it to herself to the time being while she tried to navigate their new relationship and figure out all of her feelings and emotions. Rolling her eyes at herself she relaxed back into her seat as Elliot pulled the car out of the spot and onto the street.

He reached across and rested his hand upturned on her thigh, willing her to take it. Olivia laced her fingers with his and gave his hand a squeeze, turning her head against the head rest to look over at him and gave him a small smile, "You've got nice eyes too."

SVU

The case had been a long one and had taken an interesting turn when Elliot and Olivia had crossed paths with Colonel Dick Finley, one of Elliot's past mentors who had worked with the deceased in a space program. Finley had been hitting on Olivia since they had met, even asking her out on a date which she had accepted much to Elliot's frustration and confusion, but to his credit he hadn't said anything. The case had come full circle when Elliot had realized that Dick Finley wasn't a helping hand but the murderer and he was doing his best to get away with it.

Elliot was bringing Dick down in hand cuffs after their hotel room brawl had finally ended. Both had gotten in a few punches and the evidence of that was clear. He put Dick in the back of the squad car just as a taxi pulled up, stopping and letting out Olivia who was dressed to the nines.

She walked towards him, her blue silk dress blowing in the wind and the concern evident on her face as she stopped a few feet in front of him, "Is everything okay?"

He took her in and shook his head, not saying anything but she understood and had put the pieces together.

"Do you want me to drive?" She asked him softly, taking in the blood over his eyebrow and the red marks covering his face and neck. Her next thought was that he should probably get checked out by a doctor but she didn't need that argument and she didn't want to add to whatever he was going through.

He shook his head again, walking past her and gently squeezing her hand as he went.

Elliot spent the rest of the night in a daze, everything in slow motion while the detectives worked around him closing the case. Finally the night had come to a close and he couldn't wait to get out of the precinct. Olivia and Elliot walked down the steps of the precinct steps in silence, just like the rest of the night had been.

The air was cooler than it had been earlier and Olivia rubbed her arms, trying to rid her skin of the goose bumps that had formed.

Elliot took his suit jacket off and held it open for her, "Here" She turned, pushing her arms into the sleeves and he pulled it on for her, his fingers skimming her skin along the column of her neck.

"Thanks," she replied softly as they walked down the empty street.

There was no conversation about it or even an asked question as they walked the blocks to her apartment, just an understanding that they needed to be together.

She took his hand in hers as they climbed the stairs together, unlocking her door and ushering him inside. She sat him on her couch and took his face in her hands, looking over the bruises that had started to form, "Are you alright?"

He shrugged, moving his hands to her hips, "I'll be fine...just a little sore."

"I hate seeing you all bloody and beaten," Olivia told him softly, making a point to kiss the mark over his eyebrow, cheek, and the long bruise on the side of his neck. "Let me get you something for the pain." She walked to the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of Tylenol out of the cabinet and a bottle of water from the refrigerator. She turned around and Elliot was hovering right behind her.

"Why were you going to go out with Dick?" He asked her finally, the question playing on his mind for the better part of the last two days.

She shrugged, her eyes falling from his as she leaned against the refrigerator and she set the pills and water back down on the counter, "I don't know...because I can? I would have just come home to an empty apartment and been by myself all night anyway."

"You're mine," he said through clenched teeth, reaching out and pulling her against him.

"No," she replied breathlessly, "I'm not."

He kissed her jaw and back to her ear, sucking on her soft skin, "But I want you to be."

"El," she moaned as his mouth moved down her neck and around, coming to her lips and kissing her for the first time in what felt like forever.

"Liv," he growled, hoisting her up and eliciting a squeal from her but her legs wrapped around him all the same. He walked her back to the couch, his lips never leaving her skin for a second as he laid her down against the cushions. She was looking up at him with red swollen pouty lips, her deep chocolate eyes practically black with desire. She was the sexiest thing he had ever laid his eyes on.

He kneeled between her legs, blue eyes cast over her and she couldn't wait any longer. She needed him in so many ways. Her hand trailed up over his stomach, his muscles rippling as she moved higher and grasped the collar of his shirt in her hands, pulling him back down, "Kiss me."

His lips crushed hers in a hard and deep kiss, tugging on her bottom lip and then soothing it with his tongue, plunging it deep into her mouth so he could taste every inch. She pulled his dress shirt from his pants, her nimble fingers finding his skin and reveling in the contact. His skin was on fire. He went back to her neck, tasting and nipping at her skin as he moved down her chest. His hands went to the bottom of her dress, sliding up her legs while she unzipped it from the side. He pulled her up, pushing his jacket off of her shoulders and pulling the dress down her body.

"God you're sexy," he husked, his eyes roaming over her exposed skin. The black, practically see through lace bra that barely covered her nipples and contrasted with her skin doing nothing but turning him on even more. He went back to her skin, kissing down to her breasts, moving the material out of the way so he could take her into his mouth.

"Ah," was all she could get out as his mouth took over her nipple, tugging and pulling while his rough fingers went to work on the other. He left hot open mouthed kisses across her chest as he moved to her other breast, giving it equal attention. Her fingers threaded through his short hair, holding him against her skin and losing herself in the way his mouth was working on her sensitive skin.

He needed more of her. He pulled her up from the couch, one arm supporting her while the other reached behind her back to unclasp the bra. She shuddered as he slowly dragged the material off of her arms, dropping it onto the floor next to the sofa. She went to his pants, undoing the belt buckle and button, unzipping them when his hands stopped her.

"Bed," he husked and she nodded, moving to stand but he pulled her to him, holding her against him as he made his way to her room, kicking his slacks off as they fell from his waist. He pushed her against the bedroom door, his strong hands wrapped around her thighs while he kissed her breathless.

She fumbled with the door knob before it finally opened, sending them flying into the room and crashing onto the bed. She chuckled against his lips and felt him smirking, "Not very graceful."

"No," he murmured, shaking his head as he went back to her neck. He kissed and licked down her chest, kissing each breast and then over her toned stomach, leaving light kisses across the waist band of her lace panties. His fingers slipped under the material that kept her from him, skimming her skin as he pulled them down her perfect long legs.

"Beautiful," he said softly, gazing down at her as he unbuttoned his shirt, letting it fall to the bed and pulling his undershirt over his head. His hands worked their way up her legs, feeling as the goosebumps prickled across her skin as he got closer to her core. She sucked in her breath as his fingers trailed along the outside of her before gently dipping into her sex.

"You're so wet," he purred, his mouth following his fingers and finally tasting her, taking her clitoris between his lips. Her hips bucked against his mouth but he held her firmly, pushing her legs over his shoulders as he licked and kissed her. He got her right to the verge of her orgasm before pulling back, "You taste so good."

All she could do was moan as he gave her one last good lick before moving up her stomach, pushing his boxers down his legs. She reached between them, taking his thick hard cock in her hand and working him up and down against her palm.

He held himself over her as she worked him, shuddering against her neck, "I need to be inside of you." His hand moved her from him and he guided himself to her entrance, gently pushing himself into her.

"Ah El," she moaned, arching her back as he slowly went deeper. Filling her like no one else ever had, reaching parts of her that had only been touched by him.

He stilled, using all of his willpower to let her adjust. She was just as tight as the first time and it was the most amazing feeling he had ever experienced. He kissed her neck, sucking on her pulse and her hands went to his back, "Are you okay?"

She nodded, wrapping her legs around his waist and nudging his back with the heel of her foot, urging him to move. He pulled out slowly before sinking back into her, both of them moaning at the friction. She guided his mouth back to hers as he started his rhythm, slow but deep. Moving in and out of her as her hips moved up to meet his thrusts.

"Oh...oh El," she purred, her orgasm building deep in the pit of her stomach and she knew she was close.

"Hold on," he grunted and he felt her clenching around him. He picked up his pace, pounding into her with all he had as his fingers went to her core, finally sending her over the edge along with himself. Her orgasm ripped through her as she bit down against his shoulder, her eyes fluttering closed as she felt his release inside of her before collapsing onto her chest.

Olivia held him tight to her, their slick skin practically melting together as they laid in a tangled mess of sheets. Her fingers trailed through his hair and her legs fell loosely around his hips, letting him calm down in her arms. It was like nothing she had ever felt before. A closeness to someone else she never thought existed until now. The connection they had more apparent to her in this moment than the previous and there was no denying it.

He kissed her breast, comfortable to lie against her and listen to her heart beat. He felt safe with her. A few moments of silence passed and Elliot slipped from her body, pushing himself up and taking her lips with his before lying next to her. He pulled her to his chest, kissing into her hair, "That was incredible."

"It was," she agreed quietly, tilting her head back so she could kiss his lips softly. She gave him a couple more kisses, cupping his jaw in her hand, "I've been yours since the day we met."


	3. Chapter 3

"Where are you going?" Kathy asked her husband as he slipped on his shoes and grabbed his keys off the kitchen counter.

"New case...probably won't be home tonight," Elliot replied, kissing her cheek and Eli's forehead.

"Be safe," she called to him as he went out the front door.

It was a trying couple of weeks. There were several investigations to work and not enough time to deal with them. Adding to the last week was the fact that outside of work, Elliot hadn't been able to see Olivia.

Eli had a cold and had been running a fever for the last two nights. He loved his son and he hadn't felt right about leaving Kathy to handle their eleven month old alone. He already felt guilty enough for stepping out on his wife but he wasn't trying to do that to his kids as well. His affair had nothing to do with his children and he didn't want to take even more time away from them then he already did with work. Secondly, Olivia had left for a conference upstate yesterday morning, not even giving him a heads up.

However, it was now almost nine o'clock Friday night and all of his kids were out of the house with the exception of Eli and he needed to see her. They had barely been alone together in the past week except for one car ride where they had gotten into a heated make out session at a red light. Elliot had noticed that it was getting harder for him to resist putting his hands on her and that he was needing to be with her more and more. It wasn't even for the sexual and physical part of their relationship but the connection he had with her, mentally and emotionally. She understood him in every aspect, and he understood her.

The last time he was with her, he realized he was in way too deep to ever be able to get out.

SVU

Olivia had just made it back to her hotel room after a long day of guest speakers and work shops. She was exhausted and the only thing she could even focus on was getting a steaming hot shower. Grabbing a bathrobe from the closet she made her way into the bathroom, spotting the giant Jacuzzi tub and deciding that a bath sounded infinitely better than a shower. She turned the water on full blast and as hot as it could go, letting it fill up while she stripped from her clothes.

She was pouring some bubble bath into the water when there was a knock on her door. Turning off the water and draping her towel around her body Olivia went to the door, checking the peep hole.

"Elliot," she gasped, pulling open the door to him. "What are you doing here?"

"I needed to see you," Elliot replied softly while his eyes took her in.

"So you just drove the whole way out here?" She asked, still slightly stunned that he was standing in front of her.

He smirked and rolled his eyes, "Yes, Olivia. I drove the two hours so I could come see my girlfriend. That alright with you?"

"Uh...yeah," she stuttered, backing away from the door and letting him in.

"I've missed you," he told her once he closed the door, taking her in his arms and kissing her deeply. He pulled at her towel and then wrapped his arms around her naked body, her fingers threading through his hair.

"I missed you too," she replied breathlessly, taking his lips once more. She took his hands in hers, kissing his lips lightly, "I'm taking a bath if you'd like to join me."

"I was wondering why you were naked," Elliot murmured, kissing her neck and relishing in the moan that came from his lover's lips. "Lead the way."

She laced her fingers with his, leading him into the bathroom and getting straight to work on his clothes. Her fingers went to the hem of his shirt, pushing up underneath and against his skin. His muscles rippled under her touch and she kissed his throat, "How was your day?"

He shrugged, his hands falling to her hips, "It's looking up." She gave him a small smile, kissing his lips as she pushed his jeans down over his hips and he stepped out of them. "After you," he said, taking her hand and helping her into the bath, climbing in after and sitting opposite of her.

Olivia sunk deep into the hot bubbly water, her foot caressing Elliot's thigh. There was something so intimate about sharing a bath with him that her love for the man across from her had simmered up to the surface once again. He had driven two hours just to see her and he was risking his whole life to be with her like this. She wanted to believe that those were things you did for someone you...

"What are you thinking about?" He asked softly, effectively snapping her back to reality as he went on massaging the instep of her foot.

She rolled her head to the side to look at him, trying to decide if now was the right time to lay her cards on the table, "Us."

Elliot wasn't sure where she was headed but he hoped like hell it didn't lead to him losing her. He moved his hand down to her calf, pulling her to him, "What about us?"

Her breathing hitched as she settled against him, her hands running up his chest and locking behind his neck. His arms wrapped around her tightly, holding her close to him and she buried her face against his neck, taking a deep breath, "I...I love you...I'm in love with you."

Three little words that had more meaning than anything she's ever said to any other man. Three little words that had taken her years to say were finally out in the open, lingering in the air around them.

Olivia was an incredible woman who could have any man she wanted and Elliot couldn't believe that he had heard her correctly. There was no way possible that the woman before him could love a bastard like him, but if she did, if he did hear her correctly, he vowed that he would give her everything she deserved because he loved her too.

He pulled back, taking her face in his hands so he could see her, "You love me?"

She looked into his eyes and she had never seen him vulnerable but his eyes held hope, and was it love? She couldn't stop the tears that were flowing down her face and she took a staggered breath, nodding her head, "Yes...I love you."

Elliot caressed her cheek feeling like a weight had been lifted from his chest. He brought her lips to his, parting his lips against hers and deepening the kiss. One arm went around her waist and the other tangled in her hair as he kissed her with all he had. Once the kiss ended he rested his forehead against hers, "I love you too...I love you."

"You do?" She asked quietly, sniffling and trying to stop her tears.

He smiled, swiping his thumbs under her eyes and kissing her softly once more, "God, Liv...I love you so much."

She hiccoughed and sniffled but a smile formed across her face, her fingers trailing through his hair, "I love you."

"I love you too," he smiled, pulling her lips back down to his. "I love you," he murmured against her lips, trying to burn this moment into his memory forever.

"How about we get out of the tub?" Olivia mumbled, her lips moving across his jaw and down his neck. She was on a complete high and the only thing she needed was for him to make love to her. He nodded in agreement, letting her stand before following her lead, never letting her go too long without his lips on her. She helped him dry off while he returned the favor, leaving hot open mouthed kisses against her warm smooth skin.

"I think we're dry enough," he smirked against her lips, hoisting her up and carrying her out to the bed. "Do you know how beautiful you are?" He questioned softly, hovering over her on the bed, his fingers skimming across her cheek. "You're the most incredible, smart, beautiful, sexy woman I have ever known."

Olivia cupped his face in her hands, the love she had for him completely overwhelming her, "Knowing that you think that is all I need."

He hovered over her, one arm holding his body weight and the other brushed through her hair, "You're the most important person in my life."

Her eyes misted for what felt like the hundredth time that night as she nodded her head, bringing his face down to hers and kissing his lips softly, "You mean more to me than I'll ever be able to explain."

"I love you," he murmured against her lips as he kissed her softly.

Tonight it was not about sex and the physical passion they always had when they were together but it was about giving your entire being to someone. Knowing that you loved them just as much as they loved you and that for the first time ever, your soul would be forever tied to theirs. Tonight was about letting someone have all of you, mind, body, soul, and heart, and trusting them not to break you.

They collapsed on the bed, both satiated for the moment but needing to be in each other's arms.

Elliot pulled Olivia to rest on top of him, kissing her lips softly, "I love you."

"I love you too," she murmured, stroking her fingers against his cheek and back into his hair. She rested her head against his chest, listening to his heart beating, "I've missed you."

He stroked her lower back, nuzzling his nose into her hair, "I miss you... _all_ of the time." She sighed and he held her tight, he knew she felt the same. "I wish this was easier...I'm sorry."

Olivia propped herself up against him, "Please don't apologize...I knew what I was getting myself into. You have a wife...kids...a whole life." She took a breath, looking from his eyes and shaking her head, "We are what we are and I knew how this would be...it's hard and painful and _lonely_ but I love you," she shrugged her shoulders with the complete and helpless understanding of what their reality was, "And I would rather have you like this than not at all."

"I promise you," Elliot started, siting up and pulling her to straddle his lap, kissing her lips several times, _"I promise you, _Liv... I will give you _everything_ you deserve. I need time to figure it all out...Kathy, my kids...a divorce will tear them apart. And Eli, he's so young, but I love you," he broke off, kissing her again and wiping the tears that had started to fall down her cheeks, "I will find a way and I'll leave Kathy...it'll take time and it will be hard but I will." She was stunned and completely silent as she stared at him and he was beginning to feel desperate. "Please, _please_ tell me that you love me, that you won't leave me...Say you'll wait for me," he begged, her face in his hands as he searched her eyes.

A couple moments of silence passed when she finally got her voice back and she saw the panicked look on his face, "I love you and I could never, _ever_ leave you... I wouldn't survive without you...and I _will_ wait for you...for as long as it takes." His body sagged as he let out the breath he had been holding and she kissed his lips, reaffirming their love for one another. She rested her forehead against his, "I would wait a lifetime to be with you."

He ran his fingers through her hair, cupping the back of her neck and kissing her, deepening the kiss when she allowed. Olivia pulled back, stroking his cheek and lacing their fingers together, her thumb running across his silver wedding band and he knew what she was thinking. "I want to go to sleep at night and wake up every morning next to you. My life means nothing if I can't be with you," he told her, bearing even more of himself to her and hoping she believed him.

"You're just going to give it all up," she pushed, believing him to a fault but never believing in herself or believing that someone could love her as much as he was claiming to, "For me?"

"It's not a decision I made lightly but I want so much more out of life...and I want it with you," Elliot told her, stroking his thumb across her cheek, "I would give up everything in this world for you...even a kidney."

Olivia let out a breath she was holding and chuckled, "I'd give you mine in a heartbeat."

"I know you would," he smiled, kissing her lips tenderly. "I love you."

"I love you too," she murmured against his lips as he rolled them over, settling against her naked body. She moved a hand between them, grasping his growing erection as he kissed her neck, sucking in his breath. "You like that?" She husked against his skin, nuzzling her nose against his cheek as she bit down lightly on his ear lobe.

He nodded, shuddering above her as she stroked his length, "Oh Liv." He kissed and sucked on her neck as she continued working him, both of them moaning.

"Tonight...let me take care of you," Olivia murmured, pushing Elliot back on the bed as she shimmied down his body and stroked his cock, lowering her mouth over him.

"Fuck," he hissed between his teeth, tangling his fingers in her hair as she took him deep in her throat. He couldn't even remember the last time he had gotten a blow job let alone it being this good. The way she was working him was sending him into complete ecstasy.

His fingers tightened in her hair and she knew he was close, "Not yet." She pulled back, stroking him one last time before crawling up his body and kissing him deeply. She straddled him and he took his shaft, lining it up with her entrance as she sank down onto him, both of them moaning at the sensation. His hands fell to her hips, rocking her against him and he sat up in bed, burying his face in her chest as he held her.

"Liv," he husked, sucking on her neck once her head fell back to give him access. He pounded into her, the moans coming from her only spurring him on. She couldn't get enough, his skin was hot against hers and his lips were sending her over the edge. "C'mon baby...let go," he growled, thrusting deep inside of her until she cried out and her orgasm ripped through her.

Her body quivered as she lost herself, falling against his chest once he had finished, both of them panting and coming down from a high. He laid down with her on his chest, kissing into her hair as she released a contented sigh, "If I haven't said it yet, I'm really happy you came to see me."

He chuckled, stroking her neck and tilting her face up to his, "Me too." He kissed her softly, cupping her cheek in his hand and holding her close, "I love you."

"I love you too," she smiled, kissing him once more before cuddling close to him and letting him pull the covers up over them. They fell asleep wrapped in each other's arms, never feeling more content, safe, or loved than they did in that moment.

SVU

"El," Olivia moaned as he kissed at her neck, waking her up a few minutes prior with feather light kisses against her lips and jaw. "I have to get ready soon or I'll miss the conference."

"After," he mumbled, pushing his fingers through her hair to give him more access to her neck while his hand caressed her body, coming to rest on her thigh and pulling her body against his, "I'll never be able to get enough of you."

"Me either," she moaned as his mouth made its way down her chest, giving her breasts some attention. She threaded her fingers through his hair, cupping the back of his head and bringing his lips to hers for a deep and passionate kiss. "Can we move this to the shower? I really am going to be late but I need more of you."

Elliot chuckled, kissing her and then taking her by surprise, grabbing her at the waist and throwing her naked form over his shoulder.

"What are you doing?" She squealed, her legs flailing as she tried to hold on to him.

He laughed, smacking her ass, "Watch your feet! I'm not going to drop you."

"Ow!" She pouted with a small giggle, reaching a hand back and rubbing the red hand print that was left on her skin.

"You know you like it," he smirked, giving her thigh a squeeze as he set her down on the counter in the bathroom.

She smiled at the twinkle in his eye, raking her eyes over his naked body and pulling him back to her by his wrist, "You know me so well."

"I do," he murmured, kissing her deeply as his hands worked their way up her sides and into her hair.

Hopping off of the counter, Olivia pushed Elliot back against the wall, kissing his jaw and neck while turning on the water for the shower. "C'mon," she murmured, taking his hand and pulling him into the shower behind her.

"Do you need some help getting clean?" He smirked against her neck, locking his fingers with hers and holding them against the wall a over her head.

"After you help me get dirty first," she purred against his ear, squeezing his hands and grinding against him.

He let out a groan, "I can do that."

The shower went as expected, hot steamy sex and then passionate make out sessions mixed with intimate moments while helping each other get clean. They had gotten ready and were in the elevator on their way out of the building, their fingers laced together as they waited for the doors to open. The mood was a somber one.

"You'll be back tomorrow?" Elliot asked her as they walked out onto the sidewalk, the sun shining and people bustling about.

"I should be back early afternoon and you're the first person I want to see," she said softly, her hands stroking up and down his chest as his arms wrapped around her waist.

He held her tight, burying his face against the crook of her neck and leaving a soft kiss against her skin, "I love you."

"I love you too," she murmured against his temple, her fingers threading through his hair. "I'll see you tomorrow," Olivia said once he pulled back, cupping his cheek as he kissed her softly.

"See you tomorrow," he repeated, kissing her once more before they went their separate ways.

Elliot's drive back to the city was spent mostly in silence as he thought about all that his life had become. This affair wasn't just an affair anymore, it wasn't about sex but it was about love and it made everything more complicated. On some level he knew he had loved her before and for quite some time but finally voicing it and accepting it was scary but also gave him some relief. He now knew that she loved him like he loved her and just with that knowledge alone he only had one choice to make.

He loved Olivia and he wanted nothing more than to be with her but he had to find a way to minimize the damage he was about to cause to his family, what he was about to do to Kathy. Kathy was a good woman, wife, and mother and she didn't deserve what he was doing to her, what he was _about_ to do to her.

Their young love had turned into a life time together, but somewhere along the way they had lost something. There was no spark left between them. As their marriage and family grew, they had grown further apart instead of together. Elliot took most of the blame for it, knowing that he was closed off to almost everyone and very seldom would he ever confide in his wife, thinking that he was sparing her from the deep dark parts of his life but it had undoubtedly done more harm than good. Even though their love had drifted away he owed her so much. She had given him five beautiful healthy children, and for that he would always be grateful to her and he would always have love for her.

His children were his top priority and he needed to make sure that they were okay, every step of the way. There was no doubt in his mind that a divorce was going to put them all through the ringer, but he didn't want his kids to feel like he was leaving them, like one day he just left and shacked up with another woman. He would never be able to do that to them. His children were his world, the reason he lived, and the reason he turned into work every single day hoping to rid the world of harmful people in the hope to make his kids safe while providing for them and giving them the home and stability he never had.

He knew what the end game was but he just needed some time to get there. Elliot was going against everything he had believed in up until this point but she was worth it. The happiness and love he felt when he was with Olivia was worth the struggle and sacrifice he would face if he got to be with her every day for the rest of his life.

Olivia sat through her next seminar in a complete daze. The rush of conscience she got every time she had left Elliot after one of their nights together never wavering and it was in full force once again. She truly hated the person she had let herself become. She was stronger than this, stronger than being the other woman and she most certainly deserved better.

Never in a million years did she think that she would be the other woman, that she would be Elliot's mistress and it was too much for her. With the promises of a future for them it was all so complicated. She wanted to run for the hills and run from the destruction she was causing. While her and Elliot had entered into their affair together, knowing exactly what they were getting themselves into, nothing kept her from accepting all of the blame. She had singlehandedly ruined a marriage and a family. She was the other woman and she was a home wrecker, and either way she looked at it, she was having a real hard time living with herself.

But he had told her he loved her, their mutual confession bringing a new meaning to what she was allowing herself to be, he loved her.

_He loves me,_ she sighed _, _twiddling a pencil between her fingers as the woman on the stage droned on and on. Brushing her fingers through her hair she just hoped that loving him as much as she did would be enough to get her through the tough months ahead.

SVU

Olivia had gotten back from the conference just in time to work on a case that had started with the investigation into the murder of a mentally ill man but had moved on to a group of teenaged girls who started a pregnancy pact. She had interviewed the followers in the group and had moved onto the ring leader, Fidelia, and it was getting out of control.

"I bet you're jealous," the young girl smarted off, "Old chicks are totally jealous of me. Is that it?" Olivia rolled her eyes, a deep unsettling feeling in the pit of her stomach. "Did you wait too long? Tick tock," Fidelia baited, rubbing the swell of her stomach.

Olivia held her ground, "Fidelia, a baby is not an accessory...it is not a bracelet or a pair of earrings or a slammin pair of jeans, this is a living, breathing, human being you are brining onto this Earth..."

Her lecture had kept moving until Fidelia's boyfriend had showed up, turning the conversation and the investigation into a new direction. Walking down the steps Fidelia's words rang through her head. _Was she jealous? Did she wait too long?_

It was no secret that Olivia longed to be a mother and it had been put on the back burner, focusing her life on her job and helping others while her life moved on and years had went by. She had applied for adoption, only to be turned down because she was single with no family and worked all hours of the day which didn't fit their criteria for prime parenting material, but Elliot had been in her corner encouraging her that she would be a good mother and it made her heart ache.

Olivia took a deep breath once she got out onto the side walk, pushing her fingers through her hair before she threw up against the brick wall. There was a feeling in her gut for the last few days that she just couldn't shake. She grabbed a napkin from her jacket pocket, wiping her mouth and pulling out her cell phone and checking the date. Her eyes went wide as realization hit her...she was late.

A/N: Thank you all for reading. I appreciate all of the support and feedback that I have gotten! I was wondering if you all would prefer more frequent but shorter chapters or the longer ones less often like it has been? Let me know your thoughts on the story and your preference on updates.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Thank you for the support and the interest in this story. From the feedback that I got from the last chapter, it seems that most people would prefer the shorter chapters with more frequent updates. Moving forward I am going to try to get up the chapters more regularly with a little bit shorter length. Your reviews keep me motivated so let me know what you think if you have a moment!

Olivia had gotten a text message from Elliot, telling her that he was on his way over to her place. She sighed, setting her phone on the counter and taking her cup of tea into the living room. Her mind had been racing for two days straight, ever since she had bought the pregnancy test and put it in her bathroom drawer, going back and forth and trying to work up the courage to take it. Even without taking the test, her gut told her she was pregnant.

She sat back against the sofa and brushed her fingers through her hair, she had no idea what she was going to do. There was no doubt that becoming a mother was something that she had always wanted and longed for, but there couldn't be a worse time. Everything in her body was telling her to run, get out of dodge and figure it all out on her own. Olivia wasn't usually the type of woman to allow things to just happen to her, she had options...although there was only one option that would be right for her.

Regardless of the circumstances that surrounded her, if she was pregnant, she would keep her baby.

The knock on the door brought her back and she took one last sip of her tea before going to the door, deciding that she wouldn't tell Elliot anything until she was positive that she was pregnant.

"Hi," she said softly, pulling open the door and leaning against it.

"Hey," he replied equally as soft, walking through the doorway and waiting for her to close the door. He looked her over and something wasn't settling well with him, she seemed off. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing...I'm fine," she told him, pulling at the sweatshirt she had on and trying to hide her discomfort. His eyes roamed her body and she felt completely naked, like he knew she was hiding something and it left her uneasy.

Elliot sighed, sitting down on the arm of the chair and pulling her to him by her wrist. He couldn't quite pin point what it was but something was different. For now though he decided to let it go, "You'll tell me when you're ready."

It took everything she had not to break down right then and there, resting her head against his chest she took a couple breaths as his arms wrapped around her. As much as she wanted to tell him and how much easier it would be if she had someone else to help her through this, she needed time to process everything on her own before she was overwhelmed by him. "Thanks for that," she said softly, holding onto him tightly.

"Just promise me, that whatever it is...you'll tell me soon," he asked of her, rubbing her back gently and kissing into her hair.

She hiccoughed, pulling back from and looking up at him, "I promise you'll be the first to know."

He cupped her face in his hands and kissed her lips softly, resting his forehead against hers, "I trust you." And it was the simplest and most honest thing he could say because he did. He trusted her more than he could ever trust another human being.

Threading her fingers through his cropped hair she kissed him once more, "I missed you."

"Me too," he murmured against her neck, wrapping his arms around her waist and breathing her in. "What do you want to do tonight?"

"Is it okay," she mumbled against his chest before looking up at him, "That we don't have sex...and maybe you can just hold me?"

"Oh Liv," Elliot sighed, pushing her hair from her face and gently kissing her lips, "I love you and I hate being away from you... don't _ever_ think that I come here for sex...that I only love you because we have sex." He took her face in his hands, "Don't you know what you mean to me? Doesn't what we have together mean more than just sex to you?"

She stroked his cheek with her thumb, pulling his lips back down to hers and kissing him deeply. "Did I tell you how much I love you tonight?" she asked him with a smile after her lips left his.

"I don't think so," he smirked, nuzzling his nose against hers before kissing her.

Olivia rested her forehead against his, her arms wrapped around his waist, "I love you Elliot...I love you very much."

"And I love you," he replied softly, kissing her lips and taking her hand, pulling her with him to the bedroom. Elliot pulled his shirt over his head and laid her down on the bed, leaving light butterfly kisses against her jaw before laying down next to her, "How about we just lay here?"

She nodded with a small smile, kissing his bare chest and cuddling closer into him, "Thank you."

He ran his fingers through her hair, content to just hold her for as long as he could because he knew how rare these moments were for them. No matter how much they loved and cared about each other they weren't a normal couple, but whenever he was with her he felt normal. He was spending time with the woman that he loved and it felt good...right.

Elliot caressed her cheek, tilting her face towards his so he could kiss her lips gently and he knew that he would have nights with her like this for the rest of his life. He had already decided that he was going to leave Kathy and now he was just trying to figure out the best way to do that, but he hoped, that within the next month or so, he would be well on his way to being divorced and free to live his life with Olivia.

She sighed, resting her head in the crook of his neck and closing her eyes. There was so much running through her mind but she was exhausted. The secrets and lies that surrounded her were just too much and all she needed was sleep, to just forget everything that was wrong with her life and just be able to relax and let her guard down without worrying about all that was happening around her.

Tears pricked at Olivia's eyes as Elliot's hand came to rest against her flat toned stomach. She swallowed back the lump that formed in her throat and took a ragged breath, resting her hand on top of his and lacing their fingers together. The true enormity of what her reality could become hitting her full force.

"Are you staying the night?" She asked him softly. No matter how wrong it was she hoped that he would be with her through the night because it made it easier...somehow just having him next to her soothed her more than she could even understand.

In all honesty, he couldn't stay the night but he knew that she needed him, "If that's okay with you?"

"Yes," she said immediately, caught of guard by the desperation in her voice but she truly needed him. "Please stay."

"Okay," he nodded, brushing his fingers through her hair and kissing her lips. "You sure you're okay?"

Olivia sighed and gave a shrug, "I will be."

SVU

After their case had led them to an animal smuggling ring, Elliot had went undercover last night and Olivia had finally made it home after two long days mostly spent at the precinct.

She locked her front door and made her way into the kitchen, pulling down a bottle of wine and a glass. Pushing her jacket off of her shoulders she pulled the cork from the bottle, stopping after a moment and dumping out the half filled glass into the sink...she still needed to take the pregnancy test.

"Might as well take it now," Olivia mumbled to herself, kicking off her shoes and making her way to the bathroom.

She put the cap back on the tip of the test, setting it next to the sink and read over the back of the box, checking her watch.

Three minutes.

She let out a sigh, holding onto the edge of the counter and letting her head fall. As the seconds ticked by her nerves were on edge. So many things could happen and Olivia had no idea what she actually _wanted_ to happen.

Did she want to be pregnant? Did she want to be doing it with Elliot? What would he think? Would he be happy? What would they do? Would they be together?

"Oh my God," Olivia mumbled against her hand as she picked the pregnancy test up with trembling fingers.

All of her thoughts left her mind as she looked down at the little window on her pregnancy test that held her whole future, and a tiny blue plus sign...she was pregnant.

SVU

Bushido and Tybor had just left and Elliot was laying on the couch in the apartment he had been set up in since going undercover. He was more than exhausted but he couldn't stop his racing mind.

He had been stripped of his phone and any other sort of contact to the outside world. He was worried about his family and hoped that they would be safe until he was finished with the undercover work. He assumed that Kathy was more than upset that he had pretty much disappeared on her and he did feel bad, but at the end of the day it didn't matter. Within the next week or two he would officially be filing for divorce and was planning to come clean to his wife about everything because that was the least she deserved.

And then he was worried about Olivia. She wasn't acting like herself and she wouldn't open up to him about it. He wanted to see her and be able to talk to her because it was killing him to know that she was keeping something from him and pushing him away. Olivia was always a guarded person who kept everyone at a distance but not him, he was never good at being on the outside looking in, especially when it came to her. He was missing her like crazy and all he needed was to wrap his arms around her and tell her how much he loved her, how much she meant to him.

Elliot loved everything about her. The way she tucked her hair behind her ear when she was nervous, how her smile was so infectious that it lit up an entire room, how she was so caring and loving to anyone who needed it most, that she was the most beautiful woman he had ever laid his eyes on, yet she still didn't understand just how beautiful she was, but most importantly, the one thing he loved about her the most was that she made him want to be a better man.

He sighed, scrubbing his hands down his face deciding to try to get a couple hours of sleep before he had to be up.

SVU

Olivia wasn't even sure how she had gotten there but somewhere in between sobbing on her bathroom floor and vomiting until she could barely breathe, Cragen had called her and told her to go check in on Kathy Stabler.

Turning the car off she sat back against the seat, brushing her fingers through her hair and pulling half of it up into a pony tail. She looked over herself in the rearview mirror and she definitely didn't look her best but that couldn't even touch how terrible she felt inside.

She never thought that she would have to face Kathy and considering the fact that she had just found out that she was pregnant with this woman's husband's baby, it wasn't doing anything to help her. Although Elliot had told her that he wanted to be with her and that he was planning on a divorce, Olivia had her reservations about it and the weight of breaking up a family was heavy on her shoulders.

In that moment she didn't even know what to do but figured that if Elliot was going to go through with a divorce, it should be on his terms and with an explanation, not because Kathy left him. As selfish and as harsh as it was, Olivia wanted Elliot to choose to be with her because that was his decision and that's what he wanted, not just because she was all that was left.

She took a deep breath, hoping that she could keep it together for whatever she was about to walk into and got out of the car, making her way to the front door. Olivia wiped her sweaty palms against her jeans just in time for the door to swing open.

"Where's Elliot?" Kathy asked quickly, rocking Eli on her hip as worry crossed her face.

Olivia's mouth went dry as she slowly made eye contact with Kathy, trying to formulate some sort of response, "He's not with me, Kathy."

"Oh God," Kathy murmured, stepping back as her brain processed what was being told to her, "Did something happen?"

"He's okay," Olivia said softly, following Kathy into the Stabler family home, "He's undercover...and he knows that you're worried."

Kathy shook her head before continuing, her voice laced with anger, "You lied to me on the phone."

_I'm lying about much worse, _Olivia thought to herself as she got sick to her stomach and finally got her train of thought back, "I'm sorry...it all went down so fast."

Kathy wasn't backing down, "Too fast to call his family?" She fired back before walking further into the house, gathering things for herself and the baby to pack.

Olivia felt like a complete fraud as she followed Kathy around the living, trying to figure out what she was supposed to say but everything that ran through her mind was just pathetic. "Don't you think you should sleep on it before you make such a huge decision?"

"I did," Kathy said with a sniffle, adding things to her bag before slinging it over her shoulder and going to Eli who was crying in his pack and play, "But I can't take this anymore."

"Where are you going?" Olivia asked with exasperation, falling back into the familiar role as the go between for Elliot and Kathy, resenting it just as much as she always had.

"I don't know," Kathy sighed, holding Eli close and trying to soothe him, "Does it matter? He won't call."

"He would if he could," Olivia told her, hoping that maybe saying it out loud would make her feel better because that's what she had been telling herself all day long. "Kathy, I will make sure that he does," she promised and just like that, the problem was solved.

Olivia left the house feeling disgusted with herself and like the worst person on the face of the Earth. She had diffused a bomb but had only made the over all impact of what she was doing to Kathy and the rest of the Stabler's that much worse.

She slid into the drivers seat and pulled out of the driveway. She honestly didn't know where to start with everything that was going on in her life.

Her affair with her married partner had started it all but it had turned into something way deeper than she could have ever imagined. She loved Elliot with all of who she was but she wasn't sure that their love would be enough to keep her going through being the other woman that much longer.

Even though deep in her soul Olivia knew she deserved better, in her heart she could justify living a lie with Elliot forever, but she was pregnant now and she knew, that without a doubt, her child deserved better.

She wiped at the tears that had started making their way down her cheeks as she pulled up outside of the apartment that Elliot was staying in. She still didn't know what to do. She wanted to tell him that she was pregnant, share her big deep dark secret with someone so she wouldn't be so alone and scared, but he was undercover and he needed to be prepared for anything and on his A game.

Not for the first time Olivia wished that their circumstances were different, that their lives were less complicated and that everything was easier and happy.

Parking the car, she pulled her brown leather jacket tighter around her and made her way to the front door, checking up and down the street as she went. She knocked on the door, feeling extremely vulnerable both physically and emotionally.

The door swung open and Elliot pulled Olivia in by the arm, "Are you crazy? They could have somebody watching the place."

She caught herself as he threw her into the apartment, "We lost contact with you...I had to come," she said, completely exhausted and now exasperated. "Why aren't you answering the cell phone we gave you?"

They only had about a minute before there was a banging on the door and Elliot had sent her to go hide. She made it to the bathroom just as she heard the front door open.

Her mind was racing and she needed a good enough cover to at least minimize the damage that this would cause to Elliot.

Maybe it was her subconscious coming through but her next thought was hooker. It fit the situation and the scum that was probably walking her way.

"Might as well act like I feel," she mumbled with a snicker, pulling off her shirt and tousling her hair with her fingers just as she heard Elliot yelling. She checked herself in the mirror and flushed the toilet, glancing back one more time before she opened the bathroom door.

Elliot had just picked himself up from the ground as his eyes found Olivia. _Holly hell. _Even though it wasn't really a great time to notice how sexy she was, he did and he was instantly turned on as he stared at her.

"Are you ready for me Daddy," Olivia purred, strutting out of the bathroom in her blue jeans and black lace bra, her fingers running through her hair. Tearing her eyes away from Elliot she scanned over to the two men in the corner of the room, " _Oh_, didn't know we were havin a party...that's gonna be one hundred to watch, two fifty to join...each," she told them seductively, batting her eyelashes from over her shoulder as she made her way to Elliot and wrapped her arms around him.

Elliot was stunned silent for a moment before he rested his hands on her hips as she kissed at his neck and softly whispered: _Be safe...I love you. _He gave her hip a squeeze, hoping to reassure her and communicate his love in one little gesture before getting his head back in the game and falling into the plan that she had set up for them.

Olivia was promptly thrown out of the apartment, using the walk back to her car to button her top and hold in the tears that were threatening to spill down her cheeks. Scanning the street she got back in the sedan, locking the doors and wanting to stay close to where Elliot was. She had a gut feeling that something wasn't right and she would forever have his back, it was her job as his partner and as the woman who loved and needed him more than anything else.

It wasn't long before Tibor left, shortly followed by Elliot and Bushido coming out the front door and getting into the SUV. She waited a few moments before starting her car and following them from about a hundred yards back. She trailed them for about ten minutes as they turned down a road next to a large warehouse. Olivia stopped before the turn, going with her instincts that this was the place they were headed and not wanting to give herself away. She waited a few moments before turning down the road until she heard two gunshots go off and her stomach dropped.

"Oh God," she breathed pressing hard on the gas and racing around the corner to see a body on the ground and people standing around watching. "No...no," she stuttered, slamming the car into park and running to Elliot.

"This is detective Olivia Benson, Manhattan SVU...we have an officer down at the corner of ...Clarence and Queens, I repeat, we have an officer down," she rattled off into her hand held before it dropped from her hand and she fell to her knees beside Elliot. She gingerly rested her hand against the side of his face, doing her best to force air into her lungs, "Elliot...Elliot, can you hear me?" Her vision was blurred from her unshed tears but she saw the blood staining his sweatshirt across his chest and arm. She stroked his check with her thumb and cradle his head in her hands, "Can you hear me? Elliot..." His eyelids flickered a few times as he struggled to breathe.

She could hear the sirens in the distance and was vaguely aware that she was surrounded by strangers but she couldn't control herself as the tears fell down her cheeks and she whispered to him softly, "Elliot...I love you, and I _need_ you. Stay with me, Elliot...you have to be okay...I can't do this alone."

And then it hit her, all at once like the weight of a thousand bricks on her chest, Elliot could die without ever knowing he was going to have another child...that her baby could grow up and never know their father.

"Just breathe, El...you have to breathe...you have to live," she murmured, kissing above his brow as the ambulance pulled up.

The rest was a blur. The paramedics had quickly loaded Elliot onto a gurney and shuffled him into the back of the ambulance, Olivia was never too far away. She sat in the back of the ambulance and held his hand as the paramedics worked on him. She was in complete shock as they arrived at the hospital and she had been forced to the waiting room as they wheeled Elliot back into surgery.

Olivia sat in the empty waiting room, her hands shaking and her face covered with dried tear stains. She had been sitting alone for about an hour now and no one had come to give her an update on his condition. To her though, she took it as no news was good news and it meant that he was at least still alive.

She realized that she should call Kathy and tell her what was going on but she just couldn't handle that right now. It was selfish and wrong but she needed to see Elliot and have a moment alone with him. She went to grab her cellphone from her pocket, wondering why she hadn't had a call from Cragen or anyone else for that matter, and she realized she didn't have it on her, that she must have left it in the apartment.

"Fuck," Olivia muttered, running her fingers through her hair. If she didn't do anything else, she at least needed to call her Captain so he could figure out how to handle this with the press since Elliot was undercover.

Resolved to the fact that the waiting room was doing nothing to help her, she picked herself up out of the chair and made her way to the bathroom. She took a look at herself in the mirror and could hardly recognize herself. Puffy red eyes, messy hair, and disheveled clothes were doing nothing to make her feel better. Turning the water on cold, Olivia splashed some water on her face and took a deep breath.

"Everything is going to be fine...he's gonna be okay," she murmured to herself, wiping off her face and going on her way to find a payphone.

SVU

An hour later, Olivia was leaning against a wall outside of the ER doors, waiting for some news when she finally saw Elliot's surgeon come out.

"Doctor, how is he?" She asked immediately.

The man sighed, "One bullet went through and through, missing his vital organs. I extracted the other that was lodged in his bicep."

The confusion was evident on her face as she tried to comprehend what she was being told. "So...you think he'll be able to make a full recovery?"

The doctor smiled, "He's already asked to go home...twice."

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath: _He's okay. _

She ran her fingers through her hair as she made her way down the bare hallway to his room. Her stomach was in knots but she was beyond relieved that he was alive and doing just fine.

Olivia pushed the door to his room open and was met with Elliot sitting up in a bed, his arm in a sling and a smirk on his face. Her breath caught in her throat and tears were in her eyes as she made her way to his bedside.

"Elliot," she rasped as her eyes locked onto his, practically sprinting the last two feet to get to him. She took his face in her hands, stroking his cheek with her thumb as she kissed his lips gently. "You're supposed to duck," she murmured against his lips, trying lighten the mood, more for her benefit than his.

"I'm fine," he told her, looking her over and knowing that she had just gone through hell. "You were supposed to leave," he said, but it was a question too.

She shrugged, sitting down on the side of the bed and truly looking over his body, "Well, when my partner hangs out with scumbags I like to stick around and see what happens."

He nodded, grabbing her hand with his good one and lacing their fingers together, giving her hand a gentle squeeze, "Are you okay?"

She shrugged, holding tightly to his hand as she sat down in the chair next to his bed, "I'm better now that I know you're okay...I don't know what I would have done..." she trailed off as her voice cracked and the tears started up again.

"Hey," Elliot murmured softly, squeezing her hand, "I'm not going anywhere if there's anything I can do to stop it...I love you."

Olivia took a deep breath and kissed his knuckles, "I love you too." She rested her forehead against their joined hands on his bed, she had to tell him now no matter what was going on around them. She took a shaky breath, pushing everything aside and finding the strength she needed to come clean to him, "I'm pregnant."


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: Thank you so much for the continued support and all of the encouraging reviews! I'm so sorry it has been so long since my last chapter. I have been so busy lately but I only have two more weeks left of my summer class until I'm officially done until the Fall. I am going to do the best I can to get the next chapter up as soon as possible! I hope you enjoy the update and please let me know what you think if you have a moment!

_She took a shaky breath, pushing everything aside and finding the strength she needed to come clean to him, "I'm pregnant." _

It was like he had the wind knocked out of him. _Pregnant. _Olivia had just told him she was pregnant and he couldn't even process what she was telling him. There was no way he heard her correctly.

"What do you mean you're _pregnant_?" Elliot asked, the flair of anger and complete confusion in his voice startled Olivia as she looked up at him with wide eyes. He let go of her hand like he had just touched fire, "You're pregnant?"

Olivia sat back in her chair, trying to wipe the tears off of her cheeks and form some sort of sentence. She pushed herself up from her chair, holding her jacket tighter around her, "I'm pregnant, Elliot."

"Please tell me you're fucking joking," Elliot scoffed, waiting for some sort of explanation and looking her over, finally seeing the tears on her face.

She wiped her nose with the black of her sleeve, completely stunned and extremely hurt by his reaction thus far. Now granted she was just as taken off guard by the news herself but he was furious. "No, I'm not joking you bastard!"

"What...how?" He stuttered, all basic functions failing him. He knew he was really hurting her but he couldn't stop himself.

Olivia snickered, "Out of all people, I would think that the man with five kids would know how you knocked me up!" She had moved past being hurt and now she was just angry. He was blaming her and that was not okay. They were both adults, they knew what they were doing and he needed to take some responsibility for the consequences.

"I didn't...I mean...I know how," he managed to get out, scrubbing his hand down his face. "I just...Fuck! I thought you were on the pill?"

"I _was_," she half yelled half sobbed, brushing her fingers through her hair.

His mind was going a thousand miles a minute and he didn't even have time to stop himself before the words flew out of his mouth, "Are you sure the baby's mine?"

She never thought he would be the one to single handedly destroy her, but in a span of five minutes, he had. She couldn't breathe, she couldn't move, it was as if she were stuck in cement staring back at Elliot and trying to recover. Nothing had ever hit her so hard in her entire life. One question never held so much. He wasn't just questioning the paternity of their child, he was questioning her loyalty to him and the love she had for him, which made it so much worse.

_Shit. _He watched her as she recoiled, completely shutting down on him and he knew he had really stepped in it. "Liv...I'm.."

She shook her head, waving her hand, "Just shut up, will you?" His eyes went wide and his mouth shut. All she could think about was getting out of the hospital room, going home and crawling into bed and shutting out everyone and everything else in the world. "You know what, I can't deal with you right now," Olivia sniffled, shaking her head and making her way to the door.

"What?" Elliot yelled, throwing himself up on the bed but grabbing at the bandage on his chest and crying out as the pain from his wounds ripped through him.

"Elliot!" Olivia yelped as she whipped back around with her hand covering her mouth, watching from a distance as he tried to relax back against the bed. She desperately wanted to go to him, every fiber in her being was pulling her to him but the pain he was causing her was too much to even be in the same room as him.

"Damn it," he sighed, throwing his head back against the bed. He knew he was being an ass hole but he was so confused. He felt like he was drowning and he couldn't find the surface. "You just told me you're pregnant...I don't even know what to think right now."

She took a deep breath, crossing her arms in front of her and doing her best to shield herself from whatever else was about to be said. "I thought you were going to die tonight and that you would never know that you were going to have another child," Olivia said with a helpless shrug of her shoulders, closing her eyes and trying not to look at him. "I'm pregnant and the baby _is_ yours...do whatever you'd like to do with that information." She took one more glance at him before continuing on to the door.

"You're just going to leave like nothing's happened?" He asked, more softly than anything that's come out of his mouth so far.

"I think you've said enough for one night, don't you?" She sighed, pushing her bangs from her face. "I'm sorry this isn't good news."

"Olivia, come back," he begged as she slipped out through the door and was out of his room before he could even blink.

He knew he'd upset her and hurt her more than he ever wanted to and all he wanted to do was chase after her. He couldn't blame her for storming out on him but he could still barely even process what she had told him: She was pregnant with their child.

Elliot rolled his eyes at himself, asking her if the baby was his was wrong on so many levels. He knew the baby was his without her even telling him because he trusted Olivia more than anyone and he knew that she loved him and wasn't seeing anyone else but he honestly just didn't even know what else to say. He still didn't.

He sighed, closing his eyes and trying to figure out what his game plan needed to be. He wasn't going to keep living this lie for much longer now that Olivia was pregnant and they were going to be brining a child into the world. He had been planning on the divorce in the next couple of weeks but that needed to happen now. It wasn't fair to his family or Olivia to drag this out and it was time for the affair to come out before he lost everything. The sooner it was all out in the open, the sooner everyone could deal with it and the healing and moving on could happen.

He loved Olivia, she was the love of his life and his soul mate and he wanted to be with her for the rest of his life but the pregnancy news had thrown him for a loop. Having another baby wasn't on his list of things to do, especially given the circumstances he was in but it was going to be his new reality, and deep down in his soul and in his heart, there was happiness.

Having a life and a family with Olivia was something he had never even allowed himself to dream about until recently but now it was all that he wanted. She deserved a family and children and he wanted to be the one to give that to her. Together they would be brining life into the world and there was something so incredible that even the circumstances around them couldn't ruin that.

There were so many emotions running through Elliot but all he knew was that in order for him to be able to have the life he wanted with the woman he loved, things needed to start happening, and soon.

SVU

Olivia practically ran from the hospital room, doing her best to get as far away as quickly as possible. The fresh air hit her face and it was like she was suffocating, the cool air filling her lungs to capacity. She sat down on one of the empty benches along the side walk, brushing her fingers through her hair and holding her jacket tight around her.

The last half hour of her life was swarming around in her mind. The weight of telling Elliot that she was pregnant had been lifted off of her shoulders, only to be replaced with the sad and upsetting weight of his reaction to it. She was trying to sort through all that had been said, taking a few moments to get her thoughts to move in one direction but she was just too emotional.

She sighed, looking up at the night sky and trying to find some guidance. Being in the city with all of the bright lights never really gave her the opportunity to see the stars but she could see them tonight. Being able to see a few tiny little starts against the clear dark sky brought Olivia a sense of calm and clarity. She was just one woman in this world and no matter what was happening to her in that moment, she considered herself lucky because it could always be worse.

She didn't know what would happen with her and Elliot in the future but she knew one thing, she was having a baby with or without his support and she would love her child with all of her being.

"I will always be here for you," Olivia murmured quietly to her unborn child, resting her hand against her still flat stomach and using the moment to start building a connection to her baby.

SVU

The night had passed by painfully slow and the next afternoon the only thing Olivia could focus on was work. With Elliot out of the office for now, she was able to push him as well as the baby news out of her mind for the time being. She hadn't seen or heard from him since she left his hospital room, and while it gave her some time on her own to process things it also worried her and she hoped he was okay.

It was strange really, the fact that she could be so upset and hurt by him and yet all she wanted was to hear his voice.

She was at her desk, threading her fingers through her hair as she waited for Bushido's credit information to print out.

"Got a hit from the credit card number," Olivia said, grabbing the paper and holding it out to Cragen who grabbed it as he walked past her desk. "Last purchase, a one way ticket from Jakarta to JFK...lands in a couple of hours."

Cragen scanned over the paper as Fin and Olivia got ready to go, "I already have clearance from TSA and Customs, we'll grab the smuggler when he gets off the plane."

"What about Tybor and Bushido?" Elliot asked as he came into the squad room, effectively taking everyone by surprise and stunning Olivia.

"I told you he wouldn't take a day off. You owe me fifty bucks," Fin told Olivia after a glance over Elliot.

Her voice was caught in her throat and it took her a moment to get it back. She was immediately on edge but there was a relief being able to see him. "Elliot...the doctor said take a week."

Elliot took her in for just a brief moment, leaving up his cold exterior because he just couldn't deal with anything else right now, "I want to finish this."

Grabbing her leather jacket, Olivia threw it on and made her way to the sedan, doing as best as she could to not acknowledge Elliot or let him affect her like he normally could. It wasn't as difficult though because he didn't so much as look at her as he followed next to her, slipping into one of the cars and allowing her to go to the other. She was grateful that he had left her alone but it was also like a punch in the gut.

Olivia slid into the driver's side, numb to everyone and everything around her.

"Liv," Fin called to her after sliding into the passenger side and trying to get her attention. "You good?" He asked upon seeing her startled reaction.

She nodded, starting up the car and trying to push everything out of her mind so she could focus on the job at hand. "Yeah, I'm good."

"You sure?" Fin asked again, always having her back.

"I'm fine Fin...honestly," Olivia answered, trying her best to give him a genuine smile and hoping he bought it.

He just shook his head, "Just be careful."

She knew without asking that his word of caution had meant more than just surface level and she was shocked. Fin wasn't usually one to meddle and she realized that it was coming from a place of genuine concern because he cared, not because he was trying to pry. Instead of trying to deny anything and getting into a whole new thing she just nodded her head, "I'm trying to be."

He nodded and they drove the rest of the way to the airport in silence.

SVU

The sting operation at the airport had went smoothly and they had followed the smuggler to a factory in Brooklyn. The meeting had gone down so fast, sending Elliot after Bushido and Olivia chasing after Tybor.

Olivia had ran after him, following him through the factory and up three flights of stairs to the roof, right behind him as he jumped off of the higher platform. She wasn't thinking about anything other than catching the bastard as she threw herself of the ledge, landing on Tybor and taking him down. He wasn't quite ready to give up yet as he fought to his feet and threw a punch at her. Olivia blocked the shot, sending him stumbling over the edge of the building, leaving him hanging onto the ledge for his life.

"Help me," Tybor yelled, struggling to hold himself up.

Olivia kept her distance, grabbing her radio, "I need a bus and a jump team at Kuan...now!"

"You're no hooker," he huffed, looking down and then back up at her.

"I'm a cop," she said sternly, "And you and Bushido shot my partner."

"I'm a cop too."

She didn't care what came out of his mouth all she saw was red. This man had allowed his boss to shoot Elliot, and in that moment all she could feel was the pain that she felt when she thought she would lose him.

"You're a lying scumbag," she sputtered, the disdain palpable in her tone.

"I swear it's true! I've been working undercover for a year!"

"Prove it," Olivia told him with a bob of her head.

"I work with agent Culky...who do you think told her about Stabler?" He got out in between breaths. "How do you think we got to your office? I got a wire in my belt buckle, pull me up and I'll show you!"

Even though she had hated this man she believed him. It took all of her strength but she had managed to pull him up.

"Look," he said once he was standing, undoing his belt and showing her the wire, "I wish I coulda been there for your partner."

Olivia nodded and was able to let the resentment go. She could read him and knew that he had regretted how things went down. "It's over."

"Not for me it's not. My real target is a prison gang that's running the smuggling ring. Bushido is just one wrung on the ladder...I need a high profile conviction to infiltrate," Tybor told her, turning around and pushing his hands behind his back, allowing her to cuff him. "Thank you."

"Lets go," Olivia breathed with a nod of her head.

Back down on the ground, Bushido was strapped down onto a stretcher while Elliot stood over him with a smirk on his face.

"Feel better?" Elliot asked, doing his best to contain his joy at seeing the bastard who shot him finally getting what he deserved.

"You're a dead man Mike! Dead! Nowhere you can hide...I will find you! I will kill you!" Bushido screamed as they loaded him into the ambulance.

"Yeah, yeah...you already killed me once," Elliot smarted back, making his way over to Olivia who was loading Tybor into the squad car and she shot him a look that something was up. "What?"

She put everything aside to keep herself together for just a bit longer, "He's a cop."

"Dirty?"

She shook her head, swallowing the lump in her throat, "Undercover." As soon as she got it out she walked away, knowing she had only moments before she lost the grip on her emotions.

Olivia made her way to an alley way right out of sight just in time for the tears to start down her face. She couldn't even be sure why she was crying but she knew that everything was just too much. She had cried more in the last few months than her entire life and that's when she thought about the baby.

Resting her hand against her stomach and closing her eyes she let herself just focus on breathing and calming down. All of her recent physical activities and the stress of the last few days, weeks even, couldn't be good for the baby.

She felt a hand on her shoulder and immediately knew that it was him. Her body's reaction to him setting all of her nerves on fire and her guard was up instantly.

"Please just leave me alone," she begged him, doing her best to sound strong but she sounded weak, even to herself.

Elliot had watched her walk into the alley, giving her a couple moments until he could sneak away without all eyes on him. "What happened up there? Are you okay?"

She could hear the concern in his voice and it almost made her drop her guard, almost. The wounds he had left her with from the other night were still fresh and she just couldn't let him back in. "I was doing my job. I'm fine."

He pulled at her shoulder, turning her around so he could look her over and he could see the dirt covering her clothes and it put him on edge. He was worried about her _and_ the baby. "What happened up there?"

She rolled her eyes, shrugging his hand from her arm, "He tried to out run me but I jumped on him and got him down. He almost fell over the side and I had to pull him back up. End of story."

"Olivia!" He yelled in a harsh whisper, his ability to keep calm was gone as soon as he understood that she was put in danger. "You have to be more careful!"

"You're not my dad, Elliot. Please don't stand here and tell me what to do...we both know you don't care," Olivia shot back, dismissing him and taking a step back, moving closer to the wall and looking him over.

Elliot was stunned and confused at what she was getting at, "What do you mean I don't care? That's my baby in there...and I love you and I want you to be safe!"

Olivia was silent. His honest and real admittance of their child shook her to her core. She knew he cared, knew he loved her and maybe it was wrong, and maybe she was giving in too easily but she couldn't fight with him right now. She was physically and emotionally exhausted and she just couldn't do it anymore.

She let out a deep breath and finally looked into his eyes; She missed him. Her resolve was gone for the time being and she just wanted to move the conversation away from anything that would cause another blow up.

"You're bleeding," Olivia murmured, finally looking close enough at him to see the blood staining his dress shirt.

He looked down at her as she came closer to him, stealing his eyes off of her to check his wound and he saw the blood, "Yeah."

"Why don't you ever listen to the doctors?" She asked him with a soft smile and a shake of her head, resting her hands gently on his chest and unbuttoning his shirt.

Elliot chuckled, enjoying the return to their normal because he had missed her terribly. He regretted everything he had said the other night and wanted nothing more than to apologize and talk to her about all he was feeling but it wasn't the right time. For the time being he wanted to enjoy the moment she was allowing them to have.

"Probably the same reason that you don't listen to them either," he smirked, resting his hand on her hip as she finished unbuttoning his shirt and gently pulled it back from underneath his sling.

Olivia just shook her head, the smile remaining on her lips, "Fair enough." He flinched as her fingers trailed around the partially torn open wound on his chest. "I'm sorry," she murmured, resting her other hand against his chest and doing her best to maneuver his white undershirt out of the way so she could get a better look at his stitches.

He gave her hip a reassuring squeeze, taking a deep breath as she pulled the blood soaked bandage away from his skin.

"El, you need to go get this checked...you opened some of it back up," she told him, gently trying to wipe some of the dried blood away with the clean part of his shirt.

He sighed, knowing she was right but hating that he would have to go back to the hospital. "Drive me?"

She wanted to say yes, she wanted that extra time with him but she still needed the distance. They hadn't resolved anything, just pushed it away for another time and until that happened, she needed to focus on herself and do what was best for her.

"Not this time," she told him softly, watching as his body sagged in front of her, immediately sending a pang to her heart and trying to do everything in her power to stay strong.

He felt uneasy about where they stood and how she felt. He wanted them to be okay and he was scared that with everything that had happened he had lost her, that she was going to run. He wouldn't survive without her.

His hand found her cheek, tilting her face up towards his so he could get her eyes, "I love you, Liv."

She nodded her head, doing her best to keep her tears at bay, "I know you do...I'm just not sure love is enough anymore."

"Don't run, Liv... _please,"_ he begged _, "_I want to be with you...I just need a little more time," he told her, using his thumb to wipe the tear that made its way down her cheek.

"There is no more time, Elliot...it's not just about us anymore," Olivia told him, never thinking she would give him an ultimatum but that's what it was coming down to. "I love you but I have to do what's best for my child...he or she deserves more than being a dirty little secret."

"What are you saying, Olivia?" He asked, the desperation evident in his voice as his hand dropped away from her cheek.

She took a deep breath, "I'm saying that you're either in or out...you either want to be with me and build a life with me and our baby, or you're out and I will raise this baby alone...without you."


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: Hi guys! I'm sorry it's been a while since I last updated. I've been so busy lately but my summer class just finished up so I'm hoping that I'll be able to get more writing done and get it posted sooner. I appreciate all of the feedback I've gotten and I hope you're all still interested. Please enjoy and let me know what you think!

Elliot laid in bed wide awake, replaying his conversation with Olivia over and over again.

_"I'm saying that you're either in or out...you either want to be with me and build a life with me and our baby, or you're out and I will raise this baby alone...without you." _

_He couldn't even believe what she was saying, "Do you even hear yourself right now? _ _You can't keep me from my child, Olivia!"_

_"Yes I can," she yelled back at him forcefully, "We don't even exist to anyone! To the rest of the world there is no us...and there is no baby." Olivia sighed, crossing her arms over her chest and looking away from him. This was not how she was expecting this conversation to go but things needed to be said, "Unless you admit to everyone and come clean that you're the father of our child you can't fight me on it." She watched as he took everything in, the lines hardening on his face and his whole exterior turning cold. "That's not what I want though, Elliot."_

_"No?" He scoffed, everything shutting down except his reaction and need to protect himself. _

_"No," she said softly shaking her head, "What I want is for us to raise this baby together...I want us to be together and to have a life together...that's what I want. But now it's time for you to figure out what you want." She looked him over once more before she left him standing in the alley way. _

He scrubbed his hand down his face, completely exhausted on every level. He knew what he wanted though, he didn't even need time to think about it: He wanted to be with Olivia, it was just getting there that was difficult.

His number one priority was his kids, trying to find the best way to handle everything so that he could minimize the hurt he brought upon them. Telling your wife that you had been having an affair for months and putting your whole family through a divorce was going to be hard no matter how it happened. There wasn't a way that would make it easier except finally coming clean because honesty was the least that his family deserved.

Eli's soft whimpers filled the room and the bed shifted beside him as the lights turned on and Kathy made to get up.

"I got him," Elliot said softly, grabbing his wife's arm and letting her lay back down. He slid out of bed being mindful of his re stitched and re bandaged wounds, making his way to his son and gently scooping him into his arms. "You're okay," he murmured to his son, softly bouncing him from side to side.

He loved his kids more than life itself and it was killing him to know that his actions were going to cause them pain. No matter what happened once they knew of the affair and that the divorce was back on, he hoped that he would never lose his children and that they would always know how much he loved them.

He held Eli against his chest, whispering soft reassurances to him as his whimpers quieted down. These tiny little moments with his kids were what made it worth it, what made the tough times better and what filled his life with joy and love. He might not be one to admit it but he was scared. Becoming a parent again was scary no matter how many children you already had. Being scared, he realized, was why he had reacted so negatively when Olivia had told him. Scared to become a father again, scared to come clean to his family, scared of their reaction, scared of what his future was going to look like.

Elliot let out a sigh, kissing Eli's head once more as he thought about how different his youngest son's child hood would be compared to his older brother and sisters. This was one of the main reasons he had stopped the divorce the first time around. It pained him to think about how a divorce would affect his kids and above all else, he wanted to to do right by them and at the time he owed it to his youngest to try to make it work with Kathy and do his best to give him the same childhood as his siblings.

He gave it his best shot for more than a year but he wasn't a strong enough man to turn down temptation. The first night he was ever with Olivia he finally allowed himself to picture what his life could be like where he was truly happy. Things hadn't been working at home for longer than he cared to admit. He and Kathy just weren't the same people they were when they had first fallen in love with each other.

Twenty four years and five kids later found Kathy and Elliot as two people living in the same house, leading separate lives. As the years passed, priorities changed. Being together and working on their relationship was put on the back burner as children came and all of their time and energy was put into raising their family. The distance between them had grown over the years and Elliot took most of the blame for that. He had always been the one to close himself off, pushing Kathy, or anyone else for that matter, away and instead burying himself in work, doing anything and everything to distract himself from the cracks in his marriage or the problems he faced in his life.

He still loved Kathy, he always would, but it wasn't the same love he once held for her. People change, relationships change, and while most people grow together others grow apart. They weren't the same people they were when they had first met. He wished that he could have been an honorable man, had the guts to end his marriage when he realized that there wasn't anything left to save but he hadn't and he couldn't change that, no matter how badly he wanted to.

Pushing the scared feelings about a new baby and the rough road ahead from his mind, all that was left was all the love he had for Olivia and their unborn child. He didn't have the right reaction but he knew from the moment that she had told him she was pregnant that he would do whatever he had to do to be with her, raise their baby with her together, side by side, as equal parents and partners. Having another child was only going to add to the joy and happiness in his life, no matter how tough it would be for he and Olivia to get their happily ever after, it would be worth it.

There were so many things that would play a part in what direction his life was about to take but that was life. It was messy and unpredictable but completely worth it.

"I love you, Eli," Elliot murmured to his son as he laid him in his crib, resolved that what needed to happen now was for him to come clean to his wife because he couldn't live with the secrets and lies any longer.

He made his way to her side of the bed, sitting down next to where she laid sleeping. "Kathy...

Kath," he murmured softly, watching as her eyes flickered up to his.

"Hmmm, what's wrong?" She asked softly, her voice raspy with sleep.

"We...we have to talk," Elliot told her before his quick strike of conscience could run out.

"Elliot," Kathy sighed, looking to the clock and checking the time, "It's one in the morning, can't it wait?"

He grabbed at the back of his neck, fighting the urge to just let it go and keep quiet or finally come clean. It had gone on too long, the lies and secrets needed to come to an end. "No Kath...it can't wait."

SVU

After her fight with Elliot, Olivia had went back to the precinct to finish up her paperwork before finally making it home a little after midnight.

On her way back to the 1-6 she had called and set up an appointment with her OB/GYN to confirm the pregnancy next week, also talking to her doctor about her recent stress and physical activities because she was worried that she had put her unborn child at risk. The woman had done her best to reassure Olivia, telling her that the fetus was so small and well protected that the chances of any real harm coming to the baby was extremely slim. Olivia had felt better after the conversation but she wouldn't be completely convinced until her appointment verifying a healthy pregnancy and baby.

She locked her front door behind her, unclipping her gun from her waist, along with her badge and cuffs, setting her things on the counter. Grabbing a bottle of water from the refrigerator she made her way to her bedroom, stripping from her two day old clothes and rummaging through her drawers for something comfortable to put on. Olivia found one of Elliot's dress shirts in the back of her drawer and she pulled it on, buttoning up a few of the buttons and hugging herself tight.

Elliot hadn't left her mind for even a second since she had left him in the alleyway earlier that day, and she had mixed emotions about how everything had went down between them. Olivia pulled the sheets down on her bed and climbed in, pulling her comforter up around her and holding the pillow that still smelled of him against her chest.

She never thought that she would give Elliot an ultimatum and thinking about it now, she regretted it. It wasn't fair for her to force him to come clean when she knew that he was trying to figure it out. She knew that it was harder for him than it was for her, he had so much more to lose and he needed time to come to terms with what that meant.

Reaching for her phone Olivia sent him a text: _I'm sorry for pushing you so hard to change things. I know what you want and that you're trying to get there...it's just going to take some time. We'll be waiting, I love you. _

SVU

Kathy grabbed her robe and followed Elliot down to the kitchen, her confusion and his nervousness both apparent.

"What's going on, Elliot?" Kathy asked, sitting down opposite of him at the kitchen table.

He scrubbed his hands down his face, buying himself a few extra seconds as he tried to put a response together. The time was finally here and it was every bit as hard as he expected it would be.

"Just tell me," Kathy begged, the uneasy feeling rising in the pit of her stomach and she knew it was bad.

Elliot looked to his wife and took a deep breath, "I've been having an affair with another woman."

Her breath caught in her throat as her hand went to cover her mouth and tears welled in her eyes. Out of all the things she thought were going to come out of his mouth, she wasn't expecting this. "How long?"

"A little over two months," he answered quietly, hating that he was the cause of her pain.

Kathy couldn't even wrap her mind around what he was saying. Never in a million years did she ever think he would cheat, go outside of their marriage to find something he was missing. Even now she knew that he wasn't that type of man and that there was only one other woman in his life that would ever mean enough for him to do something like this to her.

"Olivia," she breathed, statement more than question as she wiped at the tears falling down over her cheeks. The resigned expression that ran across Elliot's face confirmed what she already knew. She shook her head as a confusion and anger washed over her and she wiped her nose, "I wish it wasn't her...I wish you were telling me that this was a one night stand with some whore you found at the bar who means nothing and that this was just about sex but that's not what it's about, is it?"

"Kathy...I'm so sorry for what I've done to you," he said softly but completely genuine in his apology.

"It's not just me that you're hurting, Elliot...our kids, our family, we'll never be the same," Kathy said sadly, trying to work through this new struggle that was going to hit her family. "To be honest, it's like I've been waiting for this day for so long...that I've always known it would eventually end for us because of her."

"I never thought that I would be the person who cheated on his wife...I never thought that I'd become my father," he said as his voice broke, scrubbing his hands down his face and trying to push the unshed tears away, knowing that there was one thing left that he had to tell her, "I'm so sorry Kathy. I wish I was better man, a stronger man, for you and for our family and I wish that I could change how this is happening. It was stupid and selfish and I never meant to hurt you but I know that I have and I know that saying that I'm sorry isn't even close enough to what you deserve." He sighed, running his hands through his hair and rubbing the back of his neck, "I wish that the only thing I had to tell you was about the affair, but there's more."

"Elliot, what are you saying?" Kathy asked frantically, her gut already telling her what she needed to know but her mind couldn't process it.

"She's...Olivia, she's uh..." He stuttered, his mouth dry and his heart pounding in his chest.

"Spit it out!" Kathy yelled, standing from her chair and moving directly in front of him, the anger and hurt she was feeling finally coming through.

"She's pregnant," Elliot finally said, getting up and looking into his wife's eyes and watching as everything registered with her. All of her emotions and feelings swirling around in her eyes and it was killing him. A few moments of charged silence had passed and her eyes turned icy but the extreme sadness and emptiness was there also.

"You bastard," she sobbed, hitting his chest over and over as the tears started again, "How could you do this to me?"

He grabbed her wrists as she broke down in front of him, holding her in his arms, "I'm sorry, Kathy...I'm so, so sorry," he murmured into her hair as she cried against his chest and he allowed himself to give into the tears and sadness he had been holding in.

SVU

Olivia was startled awake by the knocking on her front door. Rolling out of bed and holding her shirt tight around her she made her way to the door, checking the peep hole before making quick work of the locks and pulling the door back.

"Elliot," she breathed out, taking in his red blood shot eyes and his sweatpants, holding his gym bag over his shoulder. "What's wrong?"

He took her in for a moment, just being able to see her and be near her immediately breathing life back into him and in that instant he knew he had made the right choice. She was where he needed to be. "I told Kathy...about us, the affair...about the baby."

Her eyes went wide and her breath caught in her throat. She reached out to him, wrapping her hand around his wrist and pulling him closer to her and shutting the door behind him, "I'm so sorry, El." She cupped the side of his face in her hand, stroking her thumb across his cheek, "Are you okay?"

"No...but I will be," he replied softly, having no energy to be anything but completely honest with her.

"What can I do? I'm here if you want to talk...about anything," she murmured, the pain of seeing the strongest man she's ever known look so lost was almost crippling.

He dropped his bag on the floor, brushing his fingers through her hair, "Tell me you love me."

She nodded her head, a soft sob escaping her lips, "I love you...I love you, Elliot, so much."

He rested his forehead against hers, letting out a breath, "I love you, Olivia...even when things are so complicated that I feel like I'm drowning and I can't find the surface, I love you and I want to be with you."

"Kathy, your family, the life you had...you're giving that up for me?" She asked him softly, tears fresh in her eyes and he just stared back at her.

"You're everything I never knew I needed to live. Being with you, being in love with you...it's the only thing that gets me through," he told her softly, wrapping his arms tight around her and resting his face in the crook of her neck. "I love you more than I ever thought it possible to love someone...I can't live without you...so please, don't make me."

She sniffled, running her finger through his hair, "God, I love you."

"I love you too," he murmured, pulling back and taking her face in his hands and kissing her lips, gently at first and then passionately, savoring the feel of her lips against his. Their kiss broke and he brushed away the tears on her cheeks, "I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow, or how crazy and difficult my life is about to get...the divorce, my kids...God I don't even know how they'll take all of this, but Liv," he said softly, kissing her lips gently and stroking her cheek, "Liv...as long as I'm with you I know it's going to be okay."

She nodded, pulling his lips back to hers and kissing him softly. "You chose _me_, El," she said quietly, resting her forehead against his and the whole weight of what he had done in order to be with her fully registering, "You chose me, you're giving up everything you've known for the last twenty some years, for me," she kissed him again, taking his bottom lip into her mouth and deepening the kiss for a moment. "All of the struggles we're about to face, all of the shit we're going to go through in order to come out on the other side will be worth it if I'm with you."

"You, me, our baby...I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure you two have the life that you both deserve," Elliot told her and it made her weak in the knees. He held her against him, running his fingers through her hair and he shook his head, guilt and sadness written all over his face, "I am _so_ sorry for the way I reacted when you told me you were pregnant...I was a bastard...and I was scared... I still am...but I hurt you and I wish I could take it all back. Please know that I love you and I want this baby, so much."

Olivia's tears started again, falling more in love with the man in front of her because he was finally being honest with her and she nodded her head, wiping at some of her tears. "It's okay...I understand your reaction. I'm scared too and I know it was a shock, trust me, I still don't think that it has fully registered with me yet either...and I know you didn't truly mean any of the things you said." She kissed him softly and he held her to his chest, "I love you."

Elliot let out a breath, a weight being lifted off of his chest because he knew that they would be okay, that together they would be able to overcome everything that was going to get thrown their way.

"I love you, Liv," he murmured against her neck, wrapping his arms around her and holding her like his life depended on it. He left light open mouthed kisses against her skin, brushing her hair from her neck and giving himself more access to her warm skin.

"El," she moaned, threading her fingers through his hair as his lips moved over her skin and along her jaw.

"Liv," he husked, his lips finding the sensitive spot behind her ear while his hands roamed her body, one coming to rest on her backside while the other found its way under her shirt. "I need you...so bad," he mumbled into her hair as his hand moved up her stomach and cupped her breast.

"Okay," she moaned, bringing his lips back to hers as her fingers worked their way up under his sweat shirt, moving over his chiseled chest and helping him pull it over his head. Her lips went to his neck, kissing and sucking on his pulse.

"Not here," he said softly, taking her by surprise as he kissed her softly, taking her hands in his and guiding her back to the bedroom. "I want to take my time and make love to you," Elliot told her quietly, laying her gently down on the bed and looking her over, pulling at the draw string on his sweat pants and pushing them, along with his boxers, down over his hips, "I've missed you so much."

"I've missed you too," Olivia nodded, her lip quivering as all of her feelings and emotions from the last several days bubbled to the surface.

He leaned down, holding himself over her and kissing her lips softly, wiping at her tears, "Baby...what's wrong?"

She sniffled, shaking her head, "Nothing...honestly. I just...I love you so much and...you almost died the other day," she cried, sobs wracking her body because she finally had the man she loved so deeply in her arms and was positive that he was okay, that they were going to be okay.

"Oh, Liv," he murmured, laying down next to her and holding her against him, cradling her head against his chest. "I'm right here...I'm fine, I promise. If I have anything to say about it, I won't be leaving you for a very, very long time."

She nodded, resting her head against his chest and listening to his heart beat, "I have no idea what I would do...I wouldn't survive without you."

Elliot kissed the top of her head, running his fingers through her hair and trying to soothe her, "I know baby, I wouldn't survive without you either...I wouldn't want to."

Olivia wiped her eyes, propping herself up against his chest, finally looking over him and seeing his bandages. "Are you in pain?" She asked him, searching his eyes as she gently ran her fingers over the white bandage on his chest.

He shrugged, reaching up and caressing her cheek, his thumb trailing against her neck, "Less pain now that I'm with you."

She smiled softly, "I'm serious though...you always push yourself too hard and I hate seeing you in pain."

"You're one to talk," he smirked and Olivia rolled her eyes with a smile as he reached around her waist and pulled her back down against his chest. "I don't care how much pain I'm in...I'm making love to you," he murmured, cupping the back of her head in his hand and finding her lips with his.

Her legs tangled with his as he turned her on her back, his hand caressing her thigh and finding the hem of her panties, slipping his fingers under the fabric to caress her skin. She helped him push her panties down her legs, kicking them off and letting them fall to the floor. He sucked on her lip, biting down softly and soothing it with her tongue, her moans stifled against his lips.

"These lips," Elliot murmured, kissing her lightly once more, "I've missed these lips." He kissed her jaw, moving his body over hers so he was cradled against her as he made his way down her neck and chest, his fingers undoing the buttons on her shirt one by one. She let out a soft whimper as he grazed her nipple with his teeth before taking it between his lips.

"Elliot," she moaned, running her fingers through his hair as he sucked her nipple into his mouth. "Oh...ah, El," Olivia whimpered, her back arching off of the bed.

He made his way back up her body, his face buried against her neck and her legs wrapping around his waist as he slowly sank into her.

" _Liv_," he groaned, settling against her, kissing and sucking at her skin. Every time he was with her it was like nothing he ever thought possible. He felt safe, loved, and cared for just by the way her body fit with his. It was simple; She was his home.

Olivia left soft kisses against Elliot's temple, running her fingers through his hair and stroking his neck and shoulders. It was different now and she knew it. There was no more hiding for them, or loneliness, or waking up with no one next to her, it was different now and she could feel it already.

"I love you," she murmured, bringing his face away from her neck so she could see him. "El," she called his name softly, resting her hand against his cheek as his eyes opened to hers, "I love you."

He smiled, resting his forehead against hers and kissing her deeply, "I love you, too."


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: Hi guys! I am so sorry for the long delay in this chapter. I have been so busy and the time just got away from me. I haven't been getting much feed back or interest in this story and have been debating if I should continue with it. I had no intentions in abandoning this story in the beginning but if there isn't a demand to read this then I'm not sure if I should really continue. Let me know your thoughts.

Enjoy.

Elliot awoke to the early morning light coming through the blinds and his body wrapped around Olivia's. He nuzzled his face against her neck, leaving a light kiss against her warm skin and breathing her in, that alone was enough to soothe his worries. Resting his head against her shoulder he moved his arms around her, letting his hands rest against her toned stomach as he closed his eyes.

"I love you," he murmured, both to his unborn child and the woman laying in his arms. His life was beyond complicated and things were about to become much worse but this wasn't, him and Olivia and their baby, it wasn't; He loved them. Thinking about just how close he came to actually losing her, pushing her so far away that they might never find their way back, and just how lost he would be without her made him sick inside.

He let out a shaky breath, needing to be as close to her as possible he pulled her back against his chest and wrapped her tightly in his arms.

Olivia let out a contented sigh, turning in Elliot's arms and snuggling down against the covers, her eyes blinking a few times to chase away sleep before she could focus on him.

"Hi," she murmured, her hand resting against his chest as he stared at her.

"Morning," he smiled, pushing his fingers through her hair and kissing her lips softly.

Olivia stroked her thumb across his cheek, looking over his face and he looked exhausted. "You okay?"

He sighed, adjusting her in his arms and holding her against his chest, "All things considered I'm doing okay." He ran his fingers through her hair and kissed her temple, nuzzling his nose into her hair, deciding to tell her about the one thing he was scared of the most, "I thought I was going to lose you...that you were going to leave."

She turned her face up to his, his whispered emotion filled confession hurting her heart, "El...you'll never lose me." She wrapped her arms around him, being mindful of his wound she laid her head against his chest, "I love you too much to ever leave you."

He cupped her cheek in his hand, tilting her face up to his and kissing her lips gently, "I'm going to do better, Liv...I promise. You deserve so much more from me...I am so sorry for everything I've put you through, making you the other woman, hurting you...you mean so much to me and I'm going to make sure you know how much I love you every single day." Olivia sniffled and he wiped her tears away, "I can't _ever_ lose you, baby...no more lonely nights, no more secrets, and no more tears," he smiled and she chuckled, "I love you."

Everything that Elliot had said was all she had ever wanted to hear him say and she was overwhelmed by her love for him. She nodded, a smile gracing her lips as she kissed him, "I love you...I love you so much."

He kissed her with all he had, taking her bottom lip between his teeth and pulling her to straddle him. Her hands framed his face as she kissed him, her teeth scraping against his jaw as she moved down his neck. His hands went to her hips, caressing her thighs and resting on her back side.

"You really love my ass don't you?" Olivia husked with a smirk, the chuckle she received going straight to her core; She loved his laugh.

"Can you blame a guy? It's incredible," he murmured against her ear, giving her bottom a squeeze.

She pulled back, taking his face in her hands and kissing him deeply once more, "And it's all yours."

He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her back down against him and laying back against the bed. "You're incredible," he murmured, cuddling her close to him and kissing her cheek. He could get swept up in the moment just by looking at her and he could make love to her all day every day but right now all he wanted was to hold her and just enjoy the peaceful moment they had together. "I'm gonna lay here with you in my arms, kissing these lips," he murmured, leaving a gentle kiss against her parted lips, "And just focus on us...for as long as I can."

"Okay," she nodded, her legs tangling with his and her hands caressing his face as her lips found his. Olivia knew that deep down he was still struggling and that their quiet peaceful time together would come to an end shortly and all she wanted to do was comfort him.

He kissed her lightly, her lips melding perfectly to his and their love flowing freely between them. He would never get enough of her.

"El," she said softly, pulling away from his lips after a few passionate moments, resting her forehead against his, "I know things are going to get even more difficult and crazy around here, but always know that I'm here for you no matter what... that I will love you always and that there isn't anything that could ever come our way that could make me change my mind and regret you, or us."

He stroked her cheek, nuzzling his nose against hers and kissing her lips soundly, truly feeling the enormity of what she was saying and knowing that without a doubt they would survive anything. "We're gonna make it."

"We will," she nodded with a small smile, her eyes teary as she kissed him, reassuring herself and him of their love.

He kissed her softly, sucking her bottom lip into his mouth and stifling her moan. No other woman could affect him the way she could. Brushing one hand down her side he pulled her closer as the other cupped her cheek. "No clothes...makes it easy on me," he smiled against her neck as he pushed her back and settled on top of her.

She chuckled softly, her arms wrapping around his torso, "It is pretty convenient." She ran her fingers up and down his back, pulling him down against her and kissing his jawline and around his neck.

"I need you," he murmured, hooking one of her legs over his hip and settling against her core.

"I'll always need you," she admitted, finding his lips as he sunk deep inside of her. "Oh...El," she moaned against his lips as he slowly started to move.

"God, Liv," he murmured, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her onto his lap as he sat up.

It was a whole new sensation and he was going deeper than she ever though possible, hitting places in her that only he could. "Fuck baby," Olivia screamed as he drove into her, pulling her down onto him. She was close.

"Let go, Liv," Elliot growled against her neck, his hands going to her hips so he could go deeper. His lips went down her chest, finding her nipple and sucking it into his mouth. That was all it took for her to come undone, screaming his name as she found her release and he followed.

With her, nothing else mattered. When Elliot was with her he was able to forget everything bad going on around him and just focus on what he had with the incredible woman slumped against his chest. The love he held for her never wavered and every day that had passed it got stronger and stronger.

"I love you," he said softly into her hair, his hands caressing her spine and traveling into her hair to guide her lips back to his. Her eyes fluttered open and focused on his, a smile spreading across his lips, "I love you, Liv."

"I love you too," she murmured against his lips, running her fingers through his cropped hair as he laid them down against the bed and pulled the sheet over them.

SVU

The morning had come and gone while Olivia and Elliot enjoyed their time together, finally just getting out of bed and making their way to the kitchen.

Olivia was at the counter, starting the coffee pot and pulling down two mugs from the cabinet as Elliot came out of the bedroom, pulling on his tshirt as he made his way to her.

"Do you have to go in today?" He asked her, slipping his arms around her waist and nuzzling her neck.

She shook her head, wrapping her hands around his forearms and holding his arms against her, "Cragen told me to take a couple days."

"Good...I need you here," he told her softly, kissing her temple and resting his chin on her shoulder.

She reached one hand up to caress his cheek, "When are you telling your kids?"

He let out a breath and closed his eyes, "I think later today...I don't know...I think Kathy still needs time to fully process this."

"I'm sure," Olivia said in understanding, turning in his arms and resting her hands against his chest, "It's a lot to take in." She stroked his cheek, the stubble along his jaw rough against her fingers, "How did she take it?"

"About as well as you could expect," he replied honestly with a shrug of his shoulders, "It seemed like she had been expecting it for years but she was destroyed...I think the betrayal of it all is what hit her the hardest."

"I'm sorry," she said softly, caressing his cheek and he leaned into her.

He wrapped his arms around her and held her tightly, kissing the top of her head, "It is what it is now...and it had to happen. It's the first step in order for me to get the life that I want with you."

She tilted her head up and he left a light kiss against her lips, "We're going to get there, Liv...I promise you."

Olivia nodded, kissing him again, "I trust you and I trust us...we'll make it."

"We will," Elliot agreed, kissing her once more. "How about some breakfast? I'm starving."

"I don't know if anything is edible in here but if you'd like to try to cook something go right ahead," she chuckled, grabbing her coffee mug and taking a sip.

He took her mug from her, taking a quick drink and rolling his eyes with a smirk, "How about we just go out to breakfast?"

"Go out?" She questioned with a raised brow, leaving against the counter and folding her arms across her chest.

He raised a brow, crossing his arms and mimicking her stance, "Uh yeah, like go out to a diner down the street."

"What if someone sees us together?" She questioned, trying to figure out exactly how far he had thought it through.

"And?" He asked, furrowing his brow.

She sighed, "El, no one else knows about us. We haven't disclosed to Cragen yet and the last thing we need is for everything to come out and put our jobs in jeopardy."

He scrubbed his hands down his face, "Fuck! So now even though we can be together we still can't really _be_ together?"

"Hey," Olivia called to him softly, moving towards him and pulling his hands away from his face, "It's okay."

"No, it's not," Elliot sighed, shaking her hands from his wrists and wrapping his arms around her instead, burying his face in her neck. "Is it going to get easier?"

"I hope so," she said softly, running her fingers through his hair as she held him. "It'll probably get harder before it gets better but we'll make it."

He nodded, picking his head up from against her skin and kissing her lips softly, "I promise you, Liv...we'll make it through all of it."

She kissed him again, stroking his cheek, "I love you."

"I love you too," he told her, resting his forehead against her and brushing his fingers through her hair. "So, if I can't take you to breakfast as my girlfriend, can I take you out as my partner?"

"I think we can manage that," she nodded with a smile, "You know we're going to have to figure out when we want to tell Cragen about us."

"I know," he said softly, "Just not right now."

"Okay," she said in understanding, kissing him once more before they went back to the bedroom and got ready.

Both of them just wanted to enjoy their time together without having to bring more people into their new and fragile relationship. There was so much going on as it was the last thing they needed was to bring work into it and cause more stress and chaos for each other.

Elliot and Olivia made their way down the street to the diner, both keeping their hands in their pockets and trying to keep a professional distance between them.

"I didn't think this would be as hard as it is," he admitted quietly as he held the door for her, his eyes roaming over her body and all he wanted to do was touch her, even just holding her hand would soothe him.

"I know what you mean," she agreed, turning to the hostess and letting her know that they needed a booth for two.

Following the young girl back to their booth Elliot let his hand fall to the small of her back. It was completely subconscious and he didn't even realize he had done it until Olivia shot him a look from over her shoulder. It just went to show how much his body was drawn to her.

They sat down across from each other, both just looking into the others eyes and saying all that need to be said.

"Are you going to try to talk to your kids tonight?" Olivia asked softly, finally breaking the silence after their drinks had arrived.

"I think so...I'd like to," he replied, taking a sip of his coffee, "The sooner it's all out in the open the better."

She nodded, doing her best to fully grasp how hard this had to be for him and all she wanted was to make sure he knew she was there for him. Olivia set her hand on the table face up, sliding it across towards his and letting him lace his fingers with hers.

He let out a breath, clutching her hand tightly and running his thumb over her knuckles, "I just want to have the life that I want without hurting everyone even more and causing more damage. I need to talk to them and come clean to them so that we can all start healing and moving on."

She gave his hand one last squeeze as their waitress came over to take their orders.

SVU

Elliot put his jeep in park, taking a deep breath and trying to mentally prepare himself for what he was about to walk into. Kathy had called while he was at the diner with Olivia and had asked him to come home so that they could talk.

He made his way up the front steps and into the house, greeted by his oldest coming down the stairs.

"Hi honey," Elliot called to her with a soft smile.

"Hi dad," she smiled, giving him a hug.

Maureen was no longer living at home and so Elliot didn't get to see her as often as he would like but he was going to enjoy their moment because he had a feeling that everything would be going south, and quickly.

"How are you doing? I haven't seen you in a while," he asked as he hugged his daughter.

"Good...just been busy. I'm sorry I had to cancel on you for lunch last week. One of my deadlines got moved up a week," Maureen told him apologetically as they made their way into the kitchen.

"It's okay. We'll have to go one day when you're free," he told her with a gentle smile.

Elliot walked into the kitchen, looking around and finding Kathy leaning against the counter. She picked her head up to look at him and he could see the tired look on her face and her eyes were red rimmed. To him she looked like she had aged ten years in just one night and he knew that he was to blame.

"Why don't you let your mom and I talk for a second," he said to Maureen and she looked between her parents before leaving them alone.

"Hi," Kathy said softly, folding her arms across her chest and preparing herself for what was about to play out.

Elliot took off his jacket, slinging it across the back of the chair before leaning against the cupboards across from her, "Hey Kath...are doing you alright?"

She shook her head, determined not to let the tears start making their way down her cheeks, "No Elliot, I'm not alright."

"I...uh...I'm sorry," he stuttered, wanting to go to her and help comfort her, but knowing that he would only make it worse he stayed put and left the distance between them.

"You ruined our family...everything we had and everything we were, it's all gone because you couldn't keep it in your pants," Kathy all but yelled, the true hurt and anger she was feeling coming through.

"I know and I'm so sorry. I never wanted to hurt you," Elliot said honestly, almost pleading with her to understand.

Kathy shrugged and shook her head, "So a divorce? Is that where we go from here?"

"I'm sorry," he said softly and nodded his head, "I want to be with her."

"What's going on?" Maureen asked yelling, coming back into the kitchen and wiping at the tears on her cheeks, having over heard her parents.

"Maureen," Kathy startled, her eyes wide as her daughter stood in the doorway.

"You and dad are getting divorced?" Maureen sniffled, "Why now?" She watched as her mom looked to her dad and the sadness that she found on her mothers face told her everything she needed to know. "What did you do?" She asked accusingly, turning to Elliot.

Elliot was still too stunned to fully register what was happening and a lump had formed in his throat.

"Tell her," Kathy told him, wiping the tears from her eyes.

He looked from his wife to his daughter, his palms sweaty and an overall nauseating feeling taking over his body, "I...uh..." He scrubbed his hands over his face and shook his head, "I had an affair."

Maureen was stunned and outraged, "You cheated on mom?"

"Holly shit! You cheated on mom?" Dickie repeated, confused as he came into the kitchen followed by Lizzie.

"You cheated on mom?" Lizzie asked quietly, looking around the room at her family and the emotion coming from her sister and mother. Kathleen stayed quiet, putting her arm around her younger sister and trying to comfort her.

He was getting it from all angles and seeing the devastation on his daughters face's was killing him.

"Kids...why don't we all sit down and let your father explain himself. You all deserve answers," Kathy said above the chaos, as always being the mother they needed and trying to make this as productive as possible. Even though she was hurting, Elliot was still the father of her children and she would always care for him even in the darkest of times and she didn't want to see her kids hate their dad for something that wasn't about them.

Elliot was taken back by the calm he heard in Kathy's voice and the fact that she was trying to help him when she didn't need to. That was who she was though and he appreciated her even more during this struggle. He made eye contact with her and mouthed 'Thank you'.


	8. Chapter 8

Ch.8

A/N: Wow guys. I am so sorry it has taken me this long to update! Once I started back to school I just got overwhelmed with everything and my writing took a back seat. I'm back at it now though and I'm hoping that I'll be able to update more regularly now that things have settled down. I hope all of you are still interested and continue to enjoy the story as we move forward. Thank you for the continued support and encouragement.

Olivia laid wide awake feeling sick to her stomach. She had called Elliot at least a dozen times until her calls started going straight to voicemail and she had finally given up. He had left in the late afternoon to go back to Queens to talk to Kathy and his kids, and while she knew he would probably need some alone time after what would be no doubt a tough conversation, she just needed to know he was okay.

She rested her hand on her toned I stomach, hoping to reassure herself as well as her unborn child how much Elliot loved both of them and that he would come home to them. "He loves us little one...I promise you that he does," she whispered softly as she wiped away a tear that started making its way down her cheek. Checking the clock one more time to find that it was past midnight she took a steadying breath and closed her eyes, willing away every bad thought she had as she fell into a fitful sleep.

SVU

His night had went to hell in a matter of seconds. Not like he had expected anything else but taking blow after blow from his children had physically and emotionally drained him. Elliot had left his old house feeling worse than he ever though possible but he knew he deserved it. His children were completely stunned and he couldn't blame them. He had come to terms with what he had done and the new path his life had taken while his children had not, and he had just pulled the rug out from under their feet.

He was so tired he couldn't even think straight as he made his way back into the city, doing his best to suppress the urge to drown himself in liquor until he had lost the battle and pulled into a dive bar that was only about 4 blocks from Olivia's apartment. He pulled into one of the many available parking spaces, giving himself credit for making it as far as he did without pulling over sooner. Turning off his jeep Elliot dropped his keys into his pocket, grabbed his wallet and made his way inside the dingy smoke filled bar.

Pulling out a bar stool he slumped down on the seat just as the bar tender came over, laying down a paper coaster in front of him.

"What can I get for you?" The younger man asked, a soft smile forming on his lips as he waited for an answer.

Elliot sighed and scrubbed his hands down his face, "Whiskey...neat, please."

"Coming right up, Sir," the young man nodded, turning his back to Elliot and making quick work of the drink order.

"Thanks," Elliot mumbled softly, grabbing the glass and throwing it back in one swift mouthful, letting the amber liquid burn his throat. "I'll take another," he told the bartender, choosing to sip this one more slowly than the one that came before it.

He spun the glass around in his hands, thinking about what all had happened over the last few hours.

_His children made their way to the kitchen table, each taking a seat and sitting silently while their parents just stared at them. _

_Kathy glanced at Elliot, and while she hated him for what he had done to her and to their family, he looked like he was drowning. She looked at all of her children, her beautiful kids that were suffering, and no matter how she felt, she vowed to help the situation for her kids sake. "Guys, please ask whatever you'd like too...we'll do our best to give you answers." _

_Elliot took a deep breath, taking Kathy's cue and watching as his kids tried to process what was happening. "I'm so sorry for what I've done to all of you," he said softly, watching the heart break on his daughters faces and knowing he was the cause was a pain all its own. _

_"Who?" Maureen asked quietly, looking to her mom and then her dad. _

_"Olivia," Elliot answered, watching as one by one the kids emotions washed over their faces. _

_"I could have told you that one Maureen," Dickie huffed, brushing the hair from his eyes and folding his arms. "They've probably been banging this whole time." _

_"Have you?" Lizzie asked, her eyes wide as she looked from her twin to her dad. _

_"No, baby...we haven't," Elliot replied, chancing a look at his son before looking at his daughter. From the outside Lizzie was taking it the worst out of all of them. _

_"I don't believe you," Maureen said bluntly, shaking her head and rolling her eyes, her walls going up so quickly and her emotions shutting down, no doubt getting that quality from her father. _

_"Mo," Elliot said quietly, looking at his children one by one, "I guess you don't have to believe me, but I am telling you the truth."_

_Maureen looked to her siblings, watching her youngest sister quietly sob while Kathleen tried to comfort her was just fueling her anger. "How could you be so selfish?" she seethed, anger more than hurt coming through now, "What's wrong with you that you could do that to mom? To us?" _

_"Don't you love us?" Lizzie questioned, hiccuping as she sniffled and wiped the tears from her face._

_"Oh, honey," Kathy murmured, going to her daughter and sharing the chair with her, wrapping her arms around her and kissing into her hair as her own tears welled in her eyes._

_Elliot's heart was shattering but he couldn't stop the pain he was raining down onto his family. "Please listen to me when I say this," he started, clearing his throat and trying to get a hold of his emotions, "If you don't believe anything else that I say tonight, please just believe this..." He trailed off and when all of his kids were watching him he spoke again, "I love all of you with my entire heart and I never meant to hurt you. What I did wasn't about you...it was about me. It was selfish and wrong and I'm so sorry that my affair has made you question me as your father, but no matter what happens in this life time, whether you talk to me ever again or you hate me until the day that I die, I will always, __**always**__, love you guys." He wiped his eyes roughly, coughing and shaking his head, "I hope one day you can forgive me for what I've done but until that day comes, if it ever comes...just know that I love you and I'll always be here for you...no matter what." _

_"Elliot, tell them what else," Kathy coached him, resting her chin on her daughters head as she tried to calm her down._

_Elliot pulled at the back of his neck, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath before letting it out, "She's pregnant."_

_"No way!" Dickie yelled with a snicker as he smacked his hands off the table, "Thats fucked up." _

_"Dickie!" Kathy scolded, hitting her sons arm. _

_"Mom, I think Dickie dropping the f-bomb should be the least of your worries," Maureen smarted back before turning back to her father, "Do you know what a condom is?"_

"_Maureen," Kathleen called to her sister, finally speaking for the first time, "That's not helping any of us." _

_"I don't care, Katie," Maureen replied, not for a second backing down, "He cheated on mom!" _

Elliot drained his fifth glass, or he thought it was anyhow, dropping the empty glass onto the bar and pushing himself up from his chair.

"Hey man, I don't think you should be driving home," the young bartender called, grabbing Elliot's shoulder as he made his way to the door. "Is there someone I can call for you?"

He didn't want to force her out of bed so he shook his head, "No... I'll walk."

SVU

Olivia heard her front door open and was grateful the he was finally home.

Elliot kicked his shoes off, doing his best to be quiet even though it wasn't helping much. Shrugging his winter jacket off his shoulders he grabbed a water bottle from the refrigerator and made his was back to the bedroom.

"Hi," Olivia said softly, turning to face him as he closed the bedroom door.

"Hey," he murmured, pulling his thermal shirt over his head and pushing down his jeans before crawling into bed next to her in just his boxers.

"Do you want to talk about it?" She asked him gently, cupping the side of his face with her hand and caressing his cheek with her thumb. She could smell the alcohol on his breath and she wished more than anything that he would open up to her instead of drowning his emotions in liquor.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, resting his forehead against hers. "I should have came home...I'm sorry."

"It's okay," she replied softly, kissing his forehead and wanting to do anything she could to help him. "What can I do?"

"Just love me," he answered, brushing his fingers through her hair and wrapping his arms around her.

Olivia stroked the side of his face, kissing his lips gently, "I already do." She kissed him again, deeper and more passionately this time which he returned. "I love you with everything that I am, Elliot," she murmured as she kissed his jaw, threading her fingers through his cropped hair as he settled on top of her.

"Liv," he whispered, pulling back so he could look into her eyes as he spoke again, "I love you... God, do I love you."

She nodded as a small smile formed on her lips, "I know... I love you too."

He kissed her soft supple lips once more before laying down next to her and pulling her against his side. She curled in against him, his arms holding her tight and she had never felt so safe.

"Do you want to talk about it?" She asked, looking up at him from his chest.

Elliot sighed, closing his eyes as he held Olivia tighter in his arms, "They hate me."

Her heart clenched in her chest upon hearing the raw emotion in his voice, "They don't hate you...you're their father, they could never hate you."

"You weren't there," he said, shaking his head and feeling all the pain he had felt not too long ago.

"No, I wasn't...but Elliot, they're your kids," she murmured, pushing herself up onto her elbows so she could see his face. "We just tore their world apart...they're hurt and they're upset and they have that right...it's going to take time but you're still they're dad and they'll always love you," she said certainly, stroking his cheek and wiping away the tears that started to fall under his eyes.

"I just...I never wanted to hurt them...I'm their dad, I was supposed to protect them," he whispered, burying his face in her neck as she held him and he allowed himself to release all of his emotions and feelings he had been. He was safe with her. She was his rock.

"Shh it's okay...you're okay," Olivia murmured against his temple while holding Elliot to her chest tightly. "Just give it time, baby...they just need time to digest the bomb we just dropped on them."

He held onto her tightly, releasing the weight he had felt on his chest since the day he had started his affair and now he was exhausted. She stroked her fingers through his hair, whispering soft reassurances into his ear until she felt his breathing even out and she knew he had fallen asleep.

Olivia relaxed down against the pillows with Elliot, using her free hand to pull the sheet up around them. She truly loved this man with every fiber of her being and it was killing her to know that he was suffering because of something they did, that his children were suffering because of her. Over the last couple of months she had wished she was a strong enough woman to have never gotten involved with him while he was still married, wished that she could have stopped herself before it all began. She knew it was wrong and she knew that people were going to get hurt but watching as it finally played out was so much worse than she ever thought it would be.

"We'll make it through this," she whispered softly to Elliot's sleeping form, kissing his forehead one last time before she closed her eyes and went to sleep, hoping that there were better days to come.


End file.
